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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Guy Looking To Feel Horrible About Aspect Of Everyday Life Decides To Watch Documentary

LANSING, MI—Seeking a sense of bottomless dread about an aspect of ordinary daily life that had heretofore seemed innocuous to him, local resident Michael Strzpek decided to watch any of a thousand documentary films available to stream on netflix.com Thursday evening. “I already feel terrible about American politics, advertising, water, dolphins, fast food, and Walt Disney, so let’s see what other documentaries can make me feel terrible about something it never occurred to me to feel terrible about before,” the 31-year-old claims adjuster told reporters. “I’m just really in the mood to feel like complete and utter shit about something I do, eat, purchase, patronize, or support, and I want the depths of its ugliness revealed to me through a combination of shocking footage, interviews with experts, and sober voice-over narration.” At press time, Strzpek figured this documentary exposing the dangers of wind turbines “should do the trick.”

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