Guy On Couch A Friend From Out Of Town, Roommate Reports

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Vol 34 Issue 17

'Hot 'N' Nasty Butt Cum Chixx' To Appear As 'Creative Concepts' On Credit-Card Bill

PLANO, TX–A phone call to the 1-900 service "Hot 'N' Nasty Butt-Cum Chixx" will be discreetly referred to as "Creative Concepts" when it appears on Plano resident Andre Lucas' credit-card bill next month, it was reported Tuesday. The 11-minute call, during which Lucas masturbated furiously while talking to an unnamed hot and nasty butt-cum chick, will be listed as a $43.89 charge on his Visa bill under the tastefully ambiguous name. Though this is Lucas' first billing-discretion experience involving butt-cum chixx, in May 1997, a 23-minute phone call to "Horny Black Sluts" was billed to "West Coast Promotions."

Revolutionary New Alarm Clock For The Deaf Uses No Hammers

METUCHEN, NJ–America's hearing-impaired are hailing Monday's unveiling of the "Sentinel 450," a breakthrough alarm clock that awakens deaf sleepers without the use of hammers. The alarm clock, developed by Metuchen-based Integrated Products, uses a flashing strobe light to wake hearing-impaired sleepers, rendering obsolete previous models utilizing a mechanical arm to pound the sleeper's cranium with a ball-peen hammer. "Rise and shine in an delightfully new, painless way," trumpets the brochure for the Sentinel 450, expected to hit store shelves in early January. "Now you can be on time for work without all the debilitating concussions, cranial fractures and costly reconstructive facial surgery."

Billy Ray Cyrus To Speak Out On Single-Payer Health-Care Issue On Politically Incorrect

HOLLYWOOD, CA–In the program's most hotly anticipated pronouncement since comedian Elayne Boosler's historic school-voucher address, country-music artist Billy Ray Cyrus will speak out on the issue of single-payer health care Thursday on Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher. Inside sources say Cyrus, best known for his 1992 hit "Achy Breaky Heart," will argue that a single-payer system places health care in its rightful context as a right of all Americans rather than a privilege doled out on the basis of ability to pay. The hunky, denim-clad Cyrus, who for years had remained silent on single-payer health care, is also expected to finally reveal his much-conjectured stance on campaign-finance reform.

Sculptor Criticized For Turning Women Into Objects

NEW YORK–Feminist groups are uniting in protest of sculptor Garrison Byrne, who is accused of turning women into objects for sale to the highest bidder. "The sort of sexist, demeaning objectification of women in which Mr. Byrne engages is shocking and unacceptable," wrote National Women's League president Georgia Richards-Weiss in a letter to The New York Times. "That he actually makes a good living reducing females to lifeless objects is more shocking still."

I'm Going Buggy Over Bug Movies!

Item! This holiday season, not zero, not one, but two bug movies are coming out! The first is about giant radioactive mutant ants who crush everything in their New Mexican path. This film, called Ants!, is a cautionary tale about the dangers of radiation. The second film is a more charming one called Living Bugs, and it's a documentary about bugs. It may sound like a snooze-fest, but it's actually really fascinating. For example, in it we learn that insects can communicate vocally, and many of them sound just like B-list celebrities.

The Gold Standard Must Be Maintained

To-day's Message concerns the importance of maintaining the gold standard, which has long been the bed-rock of monetary policy in our Great Republic. The printing of more green-backs would only prompt inflation and severely under-mine the Republic's over-all prosperity...

Waterboy Mania

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Guy On Couch A Friend From Out Of Town, Roommate Reports

BURLINGTON, VT–The deal with that guy on the living-room couch was finally revealed Sunday, when University of Vermont junior Chris Bogen, 20, informed roommate Derek Thatcher, 19, that the dude was a friend from out of town.

A dude sleeps on the couch of University of Vermont juniors Chris Bogen and Derek Thatcher. The dude was later identified as this guy Bogen knew from a few summers ago.

At approximately 2 p.m., Bogen, who had slept way late after a night of hard partying, woke up and identified the individual on the couch as "Ryan from Stowe," this guy he used to work with like two or three summers ago. Bogen said he would have mentioned to Thatcher that the guy would be crashing at their apartment, but he had been clueless himself until the guy showed up from out of nowhere at around 9 the night before. "We used to park cars together–I think it was summer of '96," said Bogen, who noted that he hadn't thought about the guy in forever. "He was in town, so he stopped by to say hi. The dude said he was planning to drive back to Stowe last night, but we spent all night out at the bars, so he wound up sacking out on the couch."

Thatcher, who had had a shitty time at work Sunday night, said he went to bed before anyone came home that evening and was, as a result, unaware of the presence of the guy on the couch until 10 the next morning. "I had just gotten up and was on my way to take a piss, when I saw something on the couch," Thatcher said. "Upon closer inspection, I was like, 'Holy shit, some dude's there sleeping.'"

Thatcher said he theorized that the dude must have been a buddy of Bogen's, as third roommate Josh Friesz was out of town with his girlfriend for the entire weekend. At one point, he leaned over the sleeping guy in an effort to get a better look at his face, which was shielded against the sunlight with his forearm. Thatcher also studied the height of the individual and concluded that the guy was way too tall to be Lee, Juan or Skeeter, friends of the roommates who likely were up late partying with Bogen the previous evening.

Still uncertain of the sleeping guy's identity, Thatcher noticed a pack of menthol cigarettes and a newly purchased Medeski Martin & Wood CD still in its plastic wrapper on the floor next to the couch. Thatcher said he knew the items did not belong to anyone in the house and must have belonged to the guy, whoever the hell he was. "None of us smoke menthols, and I know for a fact that Chris and Josh both already have that CD," Thatcher said. "I was like, 'Who is this guy?'"

Out of consideration for the unidentified sleeping guy, Thatcher remained in the kitchen while eating breakfast to ensure that the crunching of his Count Chocula would not disturb the dude.

"Weekends, I usually like to watch TV while I eat my cereal, but I just hung back in the kitchen," he said. "I didn't know the guy, but he looked pretty wiped, so I wanted to give him the chance to sleep as late as possible. I've been on the other end of that stick on more than a few occasions, let me tell you, so I try to return the courtesy whenever possible."

Upon finally learning the identity of the guy, Thatcher assured Bogen that it was no big deal, noting that just three weeks prior, his own friend Bryan crashed on the couch while his apartment was being sprayed for roaches. Bogen responded by thanking Thatcher for his consideration big-time.

After taking a shower and eating some Apple Jacks, Bogen went in and attempted to address the guy on the couch, saying, "Dude, you don't gotta be anywhere today, do you?" When the body barely rustled under the blanket, Bogen shrugged and turned on the TV to the Cartoon Network.

Shortly before leaving to go to the campus library, Bogen told Thatcher not to worry about the dude, assuring him that the guy is cool and all, and that he won't touch any of Thatcher's shit. Bogen added that he would grab dinner with the guy later if he was still around.

The guy on the couch, who must have let himself out sometime after Thatcher left for work at 4:30 p.m., could not be reached for comment.

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