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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Guy Riding ATV Has Really Been Looking Forward To Breaking His Neck On Wooded Trail

VALLEJO, CA—Saying he’s been anticipating this moment ever since a friend severed his spine on the same route last year, local man Aaron Carr excitedly told reporters that he’s really been looking forward to renting an all-terrain vehicle and breaking his neck on a nearby wooded trail. “Man, I can’t wait to get out there in the woods on that four-wheeler, flip over the handlebars, and crush most of the bones in my neck— it’s going to be so sweet,” Carr said, scanning a map of the area where he planned to attempt various freestyle tricks prior to fracturing multiple vertebrae. “There’s this one really awesome jump where you can get, like, four feet of air before losing control of the vehicle and landing directly on your head. I mean, I’m really psyched about that, though pretty much every trail seems awesome for putting me in a wheelchair permanently.” At press time, an elated Carr was pinned beneath his ATV and unable to feel his legs.

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