adBlockCheck

Guy Riding ATV Has Really Been Looking Forward To Breaking His Neck On Wooded Trail

Top Headlines

Local

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Guy Riding ATV Has Really Been Looking Forward To Breaking His Neck On Wooded Trail

VALLEJO, CA—Saying he’s been anticipating this moment ever since a friend severed his spine on the same route last year, local man Aaron Carr excitedly told reporters that he’s really been looking forward to renting an all-terrain vehicle and breaking his neck on a nearby wooded trail. “Man, I can’t wait to get out there in the woods on that four-wheeler, flip over the handlebars, and crush most of the bones in my neck— it’s going to be so sweet,” Carr said, scanning a map of the area where he planned to attempt various freestyle tricks prior to fracturing multiple vertebrae. “There’s this one really awesome jump where you can get, like, four feet of air before losing control of the vehicle and landing directly on your head. I mean, I’m really psyched about that, though pretty much every trail seems awesome for putting me in a wheelchair permanently.” At press time, an elated Carr was pinned beneath his ATV and unable to feel his legs.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close