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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Guy Typing In All Caps Supports Edward Snowden

OMAHA, NE—Calling Edward Snowden both a “TRUE PATRIOT” and an “AMERICAN HERO,” Tony Dewitt, 32, reportedly voiced his unflinching support for the NSA whistleblower Tuesday by using only capital letters in the comment section of a WashingtonPost.com article. “EDWARD SNOWDEN IS THE ONLY ONE WILLING TO UNCOVER THE LIES WE ARE ALL BEING TOLD,” wrote Dewitt, who was furiously banging on his keyboard for several minutes and had misspelled the word “surveillance” 14 times. “JUST LIKE THE FOUNDING FATHERS HE DIDN”T WAIT FOR ANY ONE ELSE#$ TO ACT AND PROTECTED AMERICANS!!!111 NOW THEY WANT TO PUT HIM BEHIND BARS FOR GOOD.” At press time, Dewitt was intensely breathing in and out after reaching the comment box’s 2,000-character limit.

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