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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Guy Typing In All Caps Supports Edward Snowden

OMAHA, NE—Calling Edward Snowden both a “TRUE PATRIOT” and an “AMERICAN HERO,” Tony Dewitt, 32, reportedly voiced his unflinching support for the NSA whistleblower Tuesday by using only capital letters in the comment section of a WashingtonPost.com article. “EDWARD SNOWDEN IS THE ONLY ONE WILLING TO UNCOVER THE LIES WE ARE ALL BEING TOLD,” wrote Dewitt, who was furiously banging on his keyboard for several minutes and had misspelled the word “surveillance” 14 times. “JUST LIKE THE FOUNDING FATHERS HE DIDN”T WAIT FOR ANY ONE ELSE#$ TO ACT AND PROTECTED AMERICANS!!!111 NOW THEY WANT TO PUT HIM BEHIND BARS FOR GOOD.” At press time, Dewitt was intensely breathing in and out after reaching the comment box’s 2,000-character limit.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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