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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Guy Wearing Texans Jersey Mercilessly Abused By Fans At Reliant Stadium

HOUSTON—Shouts of “Go to hell!” and “Eat shit, loser!” were heard from the stands Sunday night as a man wearing a Texans jersey was subjected to fierce harassment and abuse by fans at Reliant Stadium, sources confirmed. “Take that off, asshole!” one fan reportedly screamed as a cascade of boos, insults, and obscenities from the entire section were directed at the man, who was also given the middle finger by several spectators in an adjacent row. “You think you can show up here wearing that shit? Go home before you get your fucking ass kicked!” At press time, after being hit with a cup of beer, security had escorted the man out of the stadium for his own safety.

UPDATE:

Sources just confirmed that the aforementioned section of fans has resumed watching the game and are now loudly shouting obscenities at the Texans.

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