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Guy Who Came In Late Not Sure How Much Longer He Should Pretend To Be Frazzled

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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Guy Who Came In Late Not Sure How Much Longer He Should Pretend To Be Frazzled

AMHERST, MA—After walking into a meeting 15 minutes late Tuesday, graphic designer Charles Hill remained unsure of how long he should maintain the appearance of being frazzled. "When I first got there, I mentioned how bad traffic was, being careful as I did so to move and speak somewhat frantically while noisily removing my coat as though I were actually concerned about my tardiness," Hill said on his lunch break, pretending to rifle through his bag with great purpose. "I could just drop the act when we resume, but I feel like running my hands through my hair a bunch and sighing as loudly and heavily as possible while clicking my mouse and waiting for programs to load would really seal the deal. I'll just play it by ear." At press time, an unusually alert Hill was appearing to be intensely interested in what one of his coworkers was saying.

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