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Guy Who Came In Late Not Sure How Much Longer He Should Pretend To Be Frazzled

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Guy Who Came In Late Not Sure How Much Longer He Should Pretend To Be Frazzled

AMHERST, MA—After walking into a meeting 15 minutes late Tuesday, graphic designer Charles Hill remained unsure of how long he should maintain the appearance of being frazzled. "When I first got there, I mentioned how bad traffic was, being careful as I did so to move and speak somewhat frantically while noisily removing my coat as though I were actually concerned about my tardiness," Hill said on his lunch break, pretending to rifle through his bag with great purpose. "I could just drop the act when we resume, but I feel like running my hands through my hair a bunch and sighing as loudly and heavily as possible while clicking my mouse and waiting for programs to load would really seal the deal. I'll just play it by ear." At press time, an unusually alert Hill was appearing to be intensely interested in what one of his coworkers was saying.

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