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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Guy Who Came In Late Not Sure How Much Longer He Should Pretend To Be Frazzled

AMHERST, MA—After walking into a meeting 15 minutes late Tuesday, graphic designer Charles Hill remained unsure of how long he should maintain the appearance of being frazzled. "When I first got there, I mentioned how bad traffic was, being careful as I did so to move and speak somewhat frantically while noisily removing my coat as though I were actually concerned about my tardiness," Hill said on his lunch break, pretending to rifle through his bag with great purpose. "I could just drop the act when we resume, but I feel like running my hands through my hair a bunch and sighing as loudly and heavily as possible while clicking my mouse and waiting for programs to load would really seal the deal. I'll just play it by ear." At press time, an unusually alert Hill was appearing to be intensely interested in what one of his coworkers was saying.

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