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Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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Guy Who Got Laid Off Just Glad Multi-National Corporation Will Make It

DANBURY, CT—After learning that he had been laid off Friday by global conglomerate Honeywell International, senior sales associate Edward Morway expressed relief that his employer of 14 years would be able to scrape by. "When [department head] John [Condos] called me into his office and explained the tough business climate, my heart just sank for the company," said Morway, adding that he "immediately understood" how cutting his $79,000 annual salary would help keep the multibillion-dollar corporation afloat during a feeble economic recovery. "Sure, I'm worried about providing for my wife and kids and making my house payments, but Honeywell executives have 128,000 employees and stockholders in locations all over the world to think about, so it would be unfair to even compare my troubles to theirs." Morway also said that the decision of the Fortune 500 corporation to fire him right before he received matching retirement funds was a "really smart move," given the lean times Honeywell was currently facing.

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