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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Guy Who Got Laid Off Just Glad Multi-National Corporation Will Make It

DANBURY, CT—After learning that he had been laid off Friday by global conglomerate Honeywell International, senior sales associate Edward Morway expressed relief that his employer of 14 years would be able to scrape by. "When [department head] John [Condos] called me into his office and explained the tough business climate, my heart just sank for the company," said Morway, adding that he "immediately understood" how cutting his $79,000 annual salary would help keep the multibillion-dollar corporation afloat during a feeble economic recovery. "Sure, I'm worried about providing for my wife and kids and making my house payments, but Honeywell executives have 128,000 employees and stockholders in locations all over the world to think about, so it would be unfair to even compare my troubles to theirs." Morway also said that the decision of the Fortune 500 corporation to fire him right before he received matching retirement funds was a "really smart move," given the lean times Honeywell was currently facing.

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