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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Guy Who Got Laid Off Just Glad Multi-National Corporation Will Make It

DANBURY, CT—After learning that he had been laid off Friday by global conglomerate Honeywell International, senior sales associate Edward Morway expressed relief that his employer of 14 years would be able to scrape by. "When [department head] John [Condos] called me into his office and explained the tough business climate, my heart just sank for the company," said Morway, adding that he "immediately understood" how cutting his $79,000 annual salary would help keep the multibillion-dollar corporation afloat during a feeble economic recovery. "Sure, I'm worried about providing for my wife and kids and making my house payments, but Honeywell executives have 128,000 employees and stockholders in locations all over the world to think about, so it would be unfair to even compare my troubles to theirs." Morway also said that the decision of the Fortune 500 corporation to fire him right before he received matching retirement funds was a "really smart move," given the lean times Honeywell was currently facing.

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