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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Guy Who Just Beat You To Bus Stop Usain Bolt

NEW YORK—Eyewitnesses confirm that the unusually quick young man who sprinted past you on the sidewalk this morning carrying a briefcase in one hand and a tall coffee in the other and easily caught the bus that you missed by over 10 seconds was, in fact, multiple Olympic gold medalist and world record holder Usain Bolt. "Why, hello there," said Bolt when you finally arrived at the office, noting that he had already finished his coffee, gotten the last onion bagel from the break room, taken the sports page from the office copy of USA Today, and started chatting up the new girl in marketing. "What kept you?" People who saw Bolt run past you say he would have caught the bus even more easily had he not been celebrating and taunting you for the last half-block.

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