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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.
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Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT— A fraction of a second after wiping out on a patch of ice,
South Burlington pedestrian Isaac Berkman loudly insisted that he was fine. "I'm
fine, I'm fine, I'm fine," Berkman, 24, told concerned onlookers before he even
straightened his badly twisted legs and attempted to stand up. "I'm okay." After
noticing a deep gash just below his left knee, Berkman instantly assured witnesses that
the heavily bleeding wound was "no biggie" and "totally under
control."

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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

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