Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT— A fraction of a second after wiping out on a patch of ice,
South Burlington pedestrian Isaac Berkman loudly insisted that he was fine. "I'm
fine, I'm fine, I'm fine," Berkman, 24, told concerned onlookers before he even
straightened his badly twisted legs and attempted to stand up. "I'm okay." After
noticing a deep gash just below his left knee, Berkman instantly assured witnesses that
the heavily bleeding wound was "no biggie" and "totally under

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