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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Guy You Canvassed With Knows This Great Little Italian Canvassing Place

PHILADELPHIA—After 18 long months of nonstop canvassing, it would be nice, now that the election is over, to take a break from it all, and your fellow canvasser Tim Brentley reportedly suggested that the two of you unwind at this great little Italian canvassing place he knows. Brentley, who spent an estimated 4,000 hours canvassing with you in more than 150 different neighborhoods across eight states, lauded the establishment for its quiet ambience and friendly staff, claiming Canvassino would be the perfect place to "forget about canvassing for a while" and just take in the canvass. "Come on, we deserve it," Brentley said. "They have the best canvass in town." Brentley went on to suggest that if the evening's canvassing goes well, perhaps the two of you could canvass back to his place to do a little canvassing and engage in anal sex.

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