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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Guy You Canvassed With Knows This Great Little Italian Canvassing Place

PHILADELPHIA—After 18 long months of nonstop canvassing, it would be nice, now that the election is over, to take a break from it all, and your fellow canvasser Tim Brentley reportedly suggested that the two of you unwind at this great little Italian canvassing place he knows. Brentley, who spent an estimated 4,000 hours canvassing with you in more than 150 different neighborhoods across eight states, lauded the establishment for its quiet ambience and friendly staff, claiming Canvassino would be the perfect place to "forget about canvassing for a while" and just take in the canvass. "Come on, we deserve it," Brentley said. "They have the best canvass in town." Brentley went on to suggest that if the evening's canvassing goes well, perhaps the two of you could canvass back to his place to do a little canvassing and engage in anal sex.

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