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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Guy You Don't Want To See Will Meet You There

CRESSKILL, NJ—In news that has made you wonder why you ever even talk to that guy in the first place, David Kirsch, that prick you can't stand, has announced his intentions to meet up with you at the Canyon Road Bar & Grill later tonight. Although you had intended for this outing to be restricted to people whose company you genuinely enjoy, the guy who is impossible to have a conversation with will be showing up at 8:00 p.m. and will sit right next to you. Kirsch has also announced plans to bring along a few of his friends, including that one tall guy with the sweaty hands, a development you have classified as fucking wonderful.

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