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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Guy's Entire Job Just Asking People If They Have Time For A Quick Chat

BLAWNOX, PA—According to employees at Honeycutt-Talbot Communications, Associate Manager Ross Urbansky’s sole professional responsibility appears to be walking around the office and periodically asking employees if they have a minute or two for a quick chat. “Essentially the only task I’ve ever seen Ross execute as an employee of this company is to pop by someone’s desk, ask them how they’re doing, and then say he’s wondering if they have a second to sit down later for a real quick check-in,” said human resources director Justine Griggs, adding that she sees Urbansky perform this specific function at least two or three times in the course of every workday. “I literally have never seen him do anything else. He must just be having quick chats with people all day, although I’ve never actually seen him having a quick chat, only asking people if they have time for one. And the thing is, I’m pretty sure the guy makes over six figures.” At press time, Urbansky was wondering if account manager Jeff Powell maybe had time around 3 p.m. or so for a quick chat.

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