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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Guy's Entire Job Just Asking People If They Have Time For A Quick Chat

BLAWNOX, PA—According to employees at Honeycutt-Talbot Communications, Associate Manager Ross Urbansky’s sole professional responsibility appears to be walking around the office and periodically asking employees if they have a minute or two for a quick chat. “Essentially the only task I’ve ever seen Ross execute as an employee of this company is to pop by someone’s desk, ask them how they’re doing, and then say he’s wondering if they have a second to sit down later for a real quick check-in,” said human resources director Justine Griggs, adding that she sees Urbansky perform this specific function at least two or three times in the course of every workday. “I literally have never seen him do anything else. He must just be having quick chats with people all day, although I’ve never actually seen him having a quick chat, only asking people if they have time for one. And the thing is, I’m pretty sure the guy makes over six figures.” At press time, Urbansky was wondering if account manager Jeff Powell maybe had time around 3 p.m. or so for a quick chat.

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