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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Guys' Night Out To Include Several Key Non-Guys

COLUMBUS, OH—Though buddies Jim Foglia, Chuck Harvestine, and Russell Vento insisted that Thursday will be a "guys night out," certain key non-guys are likely to be in attendance, sources reported Tuesday. "Honey, we're just going to be drinking beer and talking about the Reds—nothing you'd be interested in," Foglia told his wife Emily, withholding information regarding specific plans to begin the night buying drinks for college girls at the Varsity Club. "Maybe we'll stop for burgers afterward, I don't know." Based on previous "guys' nights," the trio will more likely end the night in the company of non-male lap dancers at the Vroom Vroom Room.

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