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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Guys’ Weekend Getaway Begins With Daring Purchase Of New Kind Of Beer

OTTAWA, IL—In an act of fearless audacity Friday, a group of male friends reportedly began their weekend getaway to Illinois’ Buffalo Rock State Park with the bold and gutsy purchase of a six-pack of Two Brothers Outlaw IPA, a beer none of them had ever tasted before. “It may be risky buying a beer without having previously sampled it, but when the boys and I get together for an epic two-and-a-half days in the great outdoors, risk is all part of the game, my friend,” said Josh Boyle, 28, openly acknowledging the daring new course he and his friends from college were charting by selecting a beverage with which they had absolutely no prior experience. “It could be too bitter. Heck, it could be too fruity. When you venture into unknown territory like this, you never know how it’s going to end—all you know is that it’s going to be one wild ride, so you better hang on tight.” At press time, the men were driving to the park and trying to decide whether listening to an unfamiliar contemporary rock radio station would be “too dicey.”

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