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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Guys’ Weekend Getaway Begins With Daring Purchase Of New Kind Of Beer

OTTAWA, IL—In an act of fearless audacity Friday, a group of male friends reportedly began their weekend getaway to Illinois’ Buffalo Rock State Park with the bold and gutsy purchase of a six-pack of Two Brothers Outlaw IPA, a beer none of them had ever tasted before. “It may be risky buying a beer without having previously sampled it, but when the boys and I get together for an epic two-and-a-half days in the great outdoors, risk is all part of the game, my friend,” said Josh Boyle, 28, openly acknowledging the daring new course he and his friends from college were charting by selecting a beverage with which they had absolutely no prior experience. “It could be too bitter. Heck, it could be too fruity. When you venture into unknown territory like this, you never know how it’s going to end—all you know is that it’s going to be one wild ride, so you better hang on tight.” At press time, the men were driving to the park and trying to decide whether listening to an unfamiliar contemporary rock radio station would be “too dicey.”

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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