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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Gym Adds Big Heavy Pull Thing In Corner

OKLAHOMA CITY—According to patrons of the gym, All-American Fitness added this new big heavy pull thing Tuesday, over in the corner by the leg press. The thing, which is reportedly pretty much a bunch of tubes and wires and pulleys, has different handles you can attach to it, including a T-bar, two loops on a rope, and some kind of metal swoosh. "I think it's supposed to work your front muscles," gym member Liam Kern said. "I did see a guy working his legs with it, though." At press time, no one had worked up the courage to ask the gym staff how to use the pull thing, and one person actually strained her quads when she attempted to push it.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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