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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Gym Adds Big Heavy Pull Thing In Corner

OKLAHOMA CITY—According to patrons of the gym, All-American Fitness added this new big heavy pull thing Tuesday, over in the corner by the leg press. The thing, which is reportedly pretty much a bunch of tubes and wires and pulleys, has different handles you can attach to it, including a T-bar, two loops on a rope, and some kind of metal swoosh. "I think it's supposed to work your front muscles," gym member Liam Kern said. "I did see a guy working his legs with it, though." At press time, no one had worked up the courage to ask the gym staff how to use the pull thing, and one person actually strained her quads when she attempted to push it.

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