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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Gym Teacher Still Remembers Names Of Every Former Pantywaist

MADISON, WI—Saying he could still picture every one of their sissy faces like it was yesterday, longtime high school gym teacher Arthur Toborg told reporters Monday he is able to recall the names of every former pantywaist he had in class. “I bet if I went through year by year, I could tell you the name of every last little nancy I’ve taught who couldn’t do a single pull-up if their life depended on it,” said the P.E. instructor of 31 years, adding that each cream puff who was incapable of making an open lay-up or who winced and shrank away from catching pop flies during the softball unit was memorable in his own way. “Even now, I can still see that little buttercup Timothy Wilmore doing push-ups on his knees. Good kid, that little wimp.” Toborg went on to say that he could also recall every piece of grade-A jailbait he had ever ogled on the volleyball court.

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