Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Habitat For Humanity Investigated For Working Conditions After 92-Year-Old Laborer Collapses On Site

WASHINGTON—Responding to an unsettling incident that has raised concerns about worker exploitation within the organization, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration announced Friday it was launching an investigation into working conditions within Habitat for Humanity after a 92-year-old laborer reportedly collapsed on a job site yesterday. “According to the shocking and disturbing reports we have received, it appears that an elderly man in his 90s—who was observed to be exceedingly thin and frail—was being used as a manual laborer at a residential construction site, where he eventually succumbed to exhaustion and dehydration,” said agency spokesperson Jillian Rogers, adding that authorities were “sickened” to discover records showing that the nonagenarian laborer had been performing blue-collar work for the organization for over 30 years, and had been transported from one construction project to another—sometimes internationally—without any compensation. “This man appears to have had minor farming and public service experience, but no serious construction training. Nevertheless, this organization continued to rely on him to perform a variety of carpentry, masonry, and roofing duties despite his advanced age and limited physical abilities. We’re glad this came to our attention before it was too late for this unfortunate senior citizen.” At press time, witnesses reported seeing the gaunt old man being forced onto a plane to go dig wells and lay pipe at a rural African project site just hours after being released from the hospital.

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