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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Hair Weave Shaved Off

JACKSONVILLE, NC–Choosing the popular "bald look" over a full, rich head of hair, Jacksonville resident Michael Elroy shaved off his $875 hair weave Tuesday. "I figured, hey, chicks like bald guys like Bruce Willis," Elroy told reporters following the four-minute weave removal. "Might as well go with the flow." In the past 10 years, the 41-year-old Elroy has had two tattoos removed through laser surgery, allowed three piercings to close, and twice dyed his bleached hair back to its original brown.

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