Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics

Top Headlines


Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America

Strategies To Defeat ISIS

Following last week’s deadly Paris attacks and numerous other violent incidents perpetrated by the terror group ISIS, many governments and populations worldwide are wondering how we can eliminate this threat. Here are some strategies to defeat the Islamic State:

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Goals Of The U.N. General Assembly

The 70th United Nations General Assembly takes place this week, with member countries focusing on plans to address global sustainability, economic growth, and the Syrian refugee crisis, among other major topics. Here are the main goals of this year’s assembly:

Pope Francis’ U.S. Itinerary

Pope Francis is making his first visit to the U.S. this week, with stops in Washington, D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia as he speaks to government officials and conducts large-scale masses. Here is a full itinerary of the pope’s visit

A Primer On Pope Francis’ Views

Pope Francis has garnered much international attention in the first two and a half years of his papacy, taking a more liberal approach to women’s issues, the family unit, and the environment than his predecessors. Here is a primer on prominent global issues and the pope’s views on them:

Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses

SHANGHAI—Proving to be just as flimsy and precarious as many observers had previously warned, the Chinese-made Shanghai Composite index completely collapsed Monday, sources confirmed.

Why Westerners Join ISIS

With more than 150 Americans accused of attempting to fight alongside ISIS in Syria and countless young Europeans allegedly joining or supporting the terrorist group, many are left wondering what a population of extremists has to offer Westerners a world away. Here are some reasons these people might want to ally with ISIS

Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket

ISLA GRANDE DEL MAÍZ, NICARAGUA—Creeping stealthily into the bungalow where John Kerry lay sleeping after a trade summit Thursday, Nicaraguan Minister of Foreign Affairs Samuel Santos López, illuminated only by a sliver of moon, reportedly slid open the lid of a small pine box and released a deadly Brazilian wandering spider onto the blanket of his American counterpart.

What’s Next For U.S.-Cuban Relations

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles

WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.

World Begins Another Day At Mercy Of 19-Year-Old Estonian Hacker

TALLINN, ESTONIA—With the private data of national governments and entire global industries at his fingertips, sources confirmed this morning that yet another day had begun with the whole world helplessly at the mercy of 19-year-old Estonian computer hacker Jüri Pevkur.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Items Found In Bin Laden’s Compound

On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Mankind Tired Of Having To Remind Itself Of Good In World

PARIS—In the wake of this week’s terrorist attacks on French newspaper Charlie Hebdo and two ensuing armed standoffs that together left over a dozen innocent civilians dead, humankind admitted Friday that it is sick and tired of having ...

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...

Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room

VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...

Where Is Kim Jong-Un?

North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un has not been seen in public since September 3. Here is the latest speculation on his whereabouts

How China Stifles Dissent

Recent clashes with pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong have refocused international scrutiny on the Chinese government’s efforts to quell social unrest and silence demonstrators.

Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War

WASHINGTON—While they acknowledged that getting behind such a plan might take a little convincing, the American populace admitted this week that they could, in all likelihood, be talked into another war. Citizens across the nation told reporters tha...

Ugly Custody Battle Over Ian McKellen Narrowly Avoided

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—Following Scotland’s referendum Thursday rejecting independence from the United Kingdom, sources confirmed that a protracted and ugly custody battle over celebrated actor Sir Ian McKellen had been narrowly avoided.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Emphasizing the country's warm tropical climate, vibrant culture, and long-term plans to cultivate farmland capable of sustaining actual crops, the Haitian Olympic Committee formally announced its bid Monday to host the 2216 Summer Games.

Officials say the Games will be broadcast via satellite should the country happen to develop a space program by then.

Organizers of the LXXXI Olympiad, which would be held in the capital city of Port- au-Prince, said the event will showcase the many attractions that are sure to be conceptualized, financed, and constructed over the next 207 years.

"These Olympics will be the greatest the world has ever seen, provided inflation doesn't render the Gourd worthless and we manage to stumble into some kind of lasting stability in the next 20 decades or so," declared committee president Jean-Edouard Baker, standing beside a stack of burning tire shavings where he believes the Olympic flame may one day be housed. "2216 is our time."

Haitian leaders believe Port-au-Prince to be the ideal location for the games due to a number of civic improvements that could, in theory, be made there.

According to Baker, the city will try to compensate for its lack of passable roads and safe bridges by building a high-speed rail system which, "with a little luck," might someday connect to an Olympic village.

"This is the place where we may be able to possibly erect an aquatics center," said Baker, gesturing to a partially submerged field piled high with rusted-out Jeeps. "We're hoping that within a century or two we'll be able to raise enough food to feed enough workers to move enough dirt to make a hole deep enough to contain an Olympic-size pool."

Added Baker, "We don't have much in the way of potable water, but that hole ought to fill on its own when the next hurricane strikes."

Representatives from the International Olympic Committee flew to Port-au-Prince Monday to survey the proposed site, landing on the country's longest of four paved runways. A brief and heavily armored tour of the city's marathon route gave planners the chance to show visiting delegates the many wonders that may eventually make up Haiti.

A banquet was held that afternoon in a dilapidated structure that local officials plan to tear down and rebuild as a multipurpose stadium. They said they hope to name the facility after a great leader who will rise to power at some point in the future—perhaps in the 22nd century—and bring peace and prosperity to the Haitian people.

Between bursts of automatic gunfire and the frantic screams of U.N. peacekeepers deployed in the area, Haiti made its case to the IOC.

"We want at some point to begin neutering the stray-animal population, so that elite runners from around the world will not have to leap over so many frail and lethargic dogs in order to cross the finish line," urban designer Antoinne Darbouze told IOC representatives. "And yes, once we can get our hands on enough asphalt, we'll have roads in places where they're absolutely necessary."

A local artisan also gave a presentation at the banquet, showing attendees how replicas of Olympic medals could be carved from indigenous fruits and then dyed colors that are similar to gold, silver, and bronze.

"By 2216, we hope that Haiti will be an inspirational place for the world's greatest athletes to compete," said René Préval, president of Haiti, a nation whose government has been repeatedly ranked as the most corrupt in the world. "And who knows, at that point our great-great-great-grandchildren may have eliminated the near-constant threat of protozoal diarrhea."

Despite the many challenges faced by the small island nation, the IOC remained confident that Haiti is, in the sense that it has not yet been officially eliminated from consideration, a real contender for the games.

"Haiti has a long way to go to meet our standards," said IOC president Jacques Rogge, pushing away a goat that had entered through a hole in the wall and was craning its neck to reach his plate. "They need to do a lot to build up their sporting facilities and hotel infrastructure, in addition to improving environmental conditions, developing a financial sector, and quelling civil unrest."

"We're not going to make any decisions for the next 200 years," Rogge continued. "Though after seeing Haiti firsthand, I can honestly say the country faces some stiff competition from Atlantis."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close