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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Half-Empty Bottle Of Malibu Found In Woods Behind School

JASPER, GA–A half-empty bottle of Malibu rum was discovered Monday in the woods behind Jasper Junior High School by a trio of eighth-graders. "We have located alcohol," said Mason Reed, 14, upon making the coconut-flavored find. "Repeat: We have alcohol." Following their one-cap-at-a-time consumption of the bottle's contents, Reed and partners Jake Seidel and Jesse Kite took turns insisting that they felt drunk.

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