Half-Naked Kissinger Thrown Out Of U.S. News & World Report Mansion

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Vol 36 Issue 38

Woman Feels Guilty After Switching Brands

RUTLAND, VT– Area resident Teresa Grant was plagued by feelings of guilt Monday after buying a box of Snuggle fabric softener, ending years of unswerving brand loyalty to Downy. "I remember my mother using Downy when I was a toddler," a distraught Grant said. "It's just that I got a trial size of Snuggle in the mail and, well, I kind of preferred the smell." Grant added that, while taking the Snuggle box from the supermarket shelf, she strove not to make eye contact with the baby on the Downy bottle.

Filmmakers Call Vincent Canby's Life Overlong, Poorly Paced

NEW YORK– The life of Vincent Canby, the longtime New York Times senior film critic who died last week at 76, is being called "an overlong, poorly paced mess" by filmmakers. "Mr. Canby's life builds glacially, taking an excruciating 21,549,600 minutes to reach the part in which he finally begins writing for the Times," said director Roland Joffe, whose 1986 film The Mission was panned by Canby as "a singularly lumpy sort of movie." "The life then completely falls apart in its final third, with Canby retiring in the most anticlimactic manner possible before an inevitable death scene as awash in bathos as any you're likely to see."

Congressman Picked Last For Committee On Youth Fitness

WASHINGTON, DC– U.S. Rep. David Bonior (D-MI), an awkward, unpopular legislator from Michigan's 10th District, was picked last for the new House Committee On Youth Fitness Monday. "I didn't even want to be on that dumb committee," said Bonior after being made the final pick by Rep. J.C. Watts Jr. (R-OK), the committee's athletic, well-liked chairman. "I'm only doing it because I have to be on one more committee to get full credit for this term." Bonior reportedly stood at the front of the House floor during the selection process, trying to be noticed.

U.S. Leads World In Mexican-Food Availability

UNITED NATIONS– According to a U.N. report released Monday, for the 16th straight year, the U.S. ranks first in the world in Mexican-food availability. "The U.S. boasts an unrivaled abundance of Mexican food, producing 23 billion pounds of tacos, enchiladas, and burritos in 1999," the report read. "No other nation on Earth can claim such plenty with regard to beans-and-rice-based Mexican fare." Japan ranked second, with the top five rounded out by Canada, Mexico, and the United Kingdom.

Sharon Stone To Star In Major Backstage Drama

HOLLYWOOD, CA– Daily Variety reported Monday that Sharon Stone will star in a major backstage drama on the set of the upcoming Barry Levinson film This Charming Man. "Look for Ms. Stone to electrify onlookers throughout the Paramount Pictures lot with her gripping performance as a star outraged that some wardrobe-department nobody keeps knocking on her trailer when she's trying to get into character," Daily Variety's Peter Bart wrote in his Back Lot column. The Stone scene is expected to generate major buzz in Paramount studio head Sherry Lansing's office.

Around The World In One Paragraph

Yesterday in my bed-chamber, Nurse Pin-head opened the glass-doors to my private balcony to release the fetid cloud of odors, miasmas, and sour regrets which had built up over the past several weeks. But as soon as this poisonous atmosphere was expelled, my bed-chamber became contaminated with the cacophony of the out-side world. I could hear the milk-maids' buckets clatter, the cows lowing in the dell, and the indentured servant boy's tortured cries as he was being flogged. But punctuating this din was a sort of inane chattering, occasionally interrupted by a shrill cackle.
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Half-Naked Kissinger Thrown Out Of U.S. News & World Report Mansion

WASHINGTON, DC–Another chapter was added to the infamous history of the U.S. News & World Report Mansion Saturday, when celebrity politico Henry Kissinger, former Secretary of State and longtime fixture at the journalism and pleasure palace, was forcibly removed from the premises after removing his pants and drunkenly plummeting from a second-story balcony into a pool.

Kissinger socializes with a trio of <i>U.S. News & World Report</i> Copy Girls hours before the outburst.

"Hank is a longtime friend of the mansion, and the events of last weekend won't change that," said U.S. News & World Report editor-in-chief Mort Zuckerman, speaking to reporters in the mansion's jungle-themed Southeast Asian Correspondent Room. "He just had a few too many Harvey Wallbangers, and we had to send him home. Nobody knows how to go off the deep end like the Kiss-Man."

Sporting his trademark purple velvet smoking jacket and pipe, the smiling Zuckerman stressed that there were "no hard feelings" about the incident and joked that Kissinger was welcome back to his regular guest room at the mansion anytime, "as long as the old boy can keep it in his pants next time."

The U.S. News & World Report Mansion has long been notorious for its wild parties. However, Saturday's gathering exceeded even its usual standards for debauchery. Former Clinton aide George Stephanopoulos was spotted poolside debating Social Security restructuring with leggy Fact-Checker Of The Month Caryn Alderson. Nearby, leather-clad Senate Republican Policy Committee chair Larry Craig (R-ID) stood atop the pool bar, challenging all comers to "try and beat me in arm-wrestling." An all-nude romp in the mansion's legendary Domestic Affairs Grotto included such journalistic luminaries as CBS anchor Dan Rather, Weekly Standard publisher William Kristol, and sultry, neoconservative MSNBC political analyst Laura Ingraham.

The fabled mansion.

"It was like the fall of Rome," said historian and presidential biographer David Halberstam, who attended the party on the arm of former Clinton press secretary DeeDee Myers. "At one point, while everybody was circling the solid gold Party Globe in the Grand Newsroom in a conga line, poor Kissinger wiped out on a huge pile of AP-wire printouts that had collected in the sunken-fireplace pit by the gold statue of [U.S. News & World Report founder] David Lawrence. We thought he'd broken his neck, but in a flash, he was back on his feet and calling for 'more wine, more wine' in his unmistakable, German-accented, basso profundo voice. Then he shouted that he was 'more bombed than Cambodia in '73.'"

A short time later, a group of U.S. News & World Report Copy Girls, renowned for keeping the magazine free of errors and for their trademark skimpy outfits, formed a kickline as former CIA director John Deutch treated the crowd to an improvisational blues jam honoring the evening's guest of honor, former president George Bush. The jam was cut short when a pantsless Kissinger burst through the kickline in full stride, diving through a large balcony window into a pool two stories below.

A passed-out Kissinger is sprawled across a mansion bathroom floor after vomiting. He would later awaken to stir more trouble.

Bush, who at one point disappeared for a half-hour into the mansion's Velvet Typesetting Room with wife Barbara and CNN Crossfire co-host Mary Matalin, defended Kissinger's behavior.

"Kissinger–disco king, no doubt, no doubt. Did he do anything the rest of us wouldn't? I'd say not. Good man, the Kisser–knows how to get down," Bush told reporters from his guest room at the mansion, where he is recuperating from a "heckuva hangover." "Loves the wine? Sure, sure. Women? Song? No question there. But a good egg, and I'll stand by him."

Zuckerman defended his mansion and its parties, which have come under renewed fire in the wake of the latest incident.

"Some people may say that U.S. News & World Report's commitment to incisive, cutting-edge news reportage, and all the fun that entails, is excessive or immoral," the 72-year-old Zuckerman said. "In fact, Calvin Trillin wrote a very critical piece in last week's Time about us–probably because he was mad he wasn't invited–but such condemnations of the newsgathering lifestyle are both hypocritical and unenlightened. There's no reason reporting the news can't retain the fantasy element it had when we were in our teens and 20s. News should be informative, but also sexy and fun. That's always been my magazine's approach, and it's the only way to get unbiased, comprehensive coverage while remaining young at heart."

"Of course, a solid supply of Viagra and dating the Weinbaum triplets doesn't hurt," added Zuckerman, referring to Mindy, Cindy, and Windy Weinbaum, the three 22-year-old interns he has been dating since divorcing 1991 Copy Girl Of The Year Bobbi Brandt in April. "And now, if you'll excuse me, there's an 'event' that needs 'covering' in the Business & Technology Bungalow."

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