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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Half Of Nation Outraged At New, Not-Yet-Released Michael Moore Film

WASHINGTON, DC—Though the film isn't scheduled for release until June 29, a New York Times/CBS News poll found that nearly half the nation believes Michael Moore's new health care documentary Sicko is "unpatriotic," "disgusting," and "ill-informed."

"This film is absolutely tasteless and misguided, and I can't believe theaters are even showing it," said GOP presidential candidate Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS), who, along with the rest of the nation, has not yet seen the film. "I thought the role of a documentary filmmaker was to be objective, but moviegoers are going to leave the theater thinking that there is something wrong with some part of the United States, and that is just flat-out untrue."

The other half of the nation has praised Sicko, calling it a "real eye-opener" that would "challenge people's preconceived notions."

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