Hall Monitor Pushed Into Girls' Restroom

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Vol 35 Issue 22

Woodstock '99 Revenue Projections Displayed On Multi-Colored, Laminated Boards Somewhere In L.A.

LOS ANGELES—Revenue projections for Woodstock '99 were recently displayed on laminated, multi-colored boards somewhere in L.A., it can safely be assumed. "Success of previous Woodstock ventures combined with media interest in the festival's 30th anniversary spells maximum name recognition for Woodstock in the year 1999," a man wearing a suit probably said while standing at the head of a 12th-floor glass-walled conference room in one of those big office buildings there. "The soundtrack album in particular shows potential for high returns in both urban and suburban markets." At the same time, 3,000 tie-dyed Woodstock '99 T-shirts were being manufactured in one of those Indonesian factories.

Guatemalan Earthquake Registers 0.3 On Area Man's Consciousness

PEORIA, IL—A massive earthquake with a current death toll of 206 hit Antigua, Guatemala Tuesday, registering 0.3 on the consciousness of local banking assistant Ed Zurlo. "Oh, yeah, there was something about that on The Today Show," said Zurlo, paging through a book of the upholstery samples available for his new Toyota Camry. "They had that tornado or flood or whatever down there in South America." Zurlo, who was also dimly aware of such previous disasters as Hurricane Mitch-related flooding in Honduras and the Lockerbie, Scotland, crash of Pan Am Flight 103, said he will likely select the burnt-cocoa crushed velour.

Mrs. Butterworth's Bottle Central To Terrifying LSD Experience

ATHENS, GA—An anthropomorphic container of Mrs. Butterworth's-brand maple syrup took on nightmarish qualities for University of Georgia sophomore Kevin Duffy, 20, Tuesday during a harrowing, LSD-induced hallucination. "She was talkin' to me, man," the visibly shaken Duffy said following the four-hour experience. "I was zoning out on the linoleum patterns in the kitchenette when I heard this soothing, matronly voice. Then I saw her, gently gliding across the countertop and gesturing eerily with her tiny, translucent arms." Duffy's terror, he said, reached a fever pitch at approximately 4 a.m., when the parameters of four-dimensional space-time began closing in around him "like a waffle iron." "She took off the top of her head, man," Duffy said, "and there was this amorphous, semitransparent mass inside, sticking to me no matter how hard I tried to escape."

Area Man Refuses To Accept Bus-Route Change

LUBBOCK, TX—After three years of catching the bus to work at the corner of 4th and Houston, area resident Willard Dawes refused to accept the Lubbock Area Transit System's reworking of its weekday route, which had been clearly delineated in several flyers. "The C bus should've been here at 3:18," Dawes said Monday, standing on the sidewalk in front of the MovieTime video store, two blocks east of the new pick-up point. "I know it will show up. I just have to wait longer." The change is the most jarring event in Dawes' LATS ridership since 1998, when a fender bender with a taxi seriously shook his faith in Chuck, the eight-to-four weekday driver.

A La Recherche Du Temps Stupide

I was recently informed that the Twentieth-Century is nearly at an end, which astonishes me, because it seems like just yesterday that I was toasting its genesis in New-York's Winter Garden with Harry Houdini, Stanford White, the Floradora Girls, and Mutt & Jeff. Well, I hope you bastards all had fun this century, because I spent the latter half of it confined to a dank, fetid bed-chamber while having my urethra scraped.

I'm Thinking About Cutting Back On The Weed

Hola, amigos. What's up? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a lot of problems lately. First off, I been slaving trying to find a new job. The last time you heard from me, I was moving furniture. Well, a few weeks ago I was out for a night of partying with Ron, and before you know it, it was 2 in the morning and we were still going strong. Since it was a work night, and I like to drink responsibly, I was taking it easy on the beer. The weed was flowing like water, though.

Cybercrime

Last week, computer hackers altered several U.S. government web sites, causing the temporary shutdown of Internet servers including those for the FBI, the Department Of The Interior, and the White House. Why did the hackers launch the attack?

Everyone Doing It, Schoolyard Sources Allege

CHESAPEAKE, VA—According to top-level schoolyard sources, everyone is doing it. "Come on, we all do it," an older kid said Tuesday, speaking on condition of anonymity. "What are you, scared?" Anyone choosing not to do it may be subjected to an intensifying campaign of "bock-bock" chicken noises, students standing by the fence warned.

I Believe The Robots Are Our Future

Though we live in uncertain times, we must not forget that the most important thing in life is the legacy we will leave behind for future generations. It is not for our sake, but for theirs, that we must preserve and protect the basic values we hold dear. As we foolishly pursue our short-sighted goals at the expense of those who will follow in our footsteps, we must pause and be mindful of the little ones, our progeny, who will inherit our planet in the next millennium and beyond. Time and time again, gazing into the innocent, trusting photoelectric receptors of a tiny, newly developed cybernetic construct, I am reminded of a fundamental truth: I believe the robots are our future, and we must teach them well and let them lead the way.
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Spring

Late Night

Hall Monitor Pushed Into Girls' Restroom

MILFORD, CT—In an incident that sent shockwaves through the halls of Milford East Elementary School, sixth-grade hall monitor Alex Greibe was brutally pushed into the girls' restroom Tuesday, midway through his normal third-period rounds.

The girls' restroom briefly entered by hall monitor Alex Greibe (inset).

"I was down by Mrs. Talcott's room, bending over to pick up a candy wrapper, when some guys snuck up behind me and shoved me right through the bathroom door," said Greibe, 11. "There I was, trapped where no sixth-grade boy had ever been before."

Inside the girls' room, since nicknamed "the Greibe's room," were three female classmates—Janie Lewis and Patricia Henderson, standing by the sinks, and an unidentified party wearing white-and-black Avia tennis shoes, using the furthest stall.

"I was fixing my hair by the mirror when Alex Dweebie [Greibe] came flying right into the bathroom," Lewis told a table of horrified sixth-grade girls during lunch. "I was, like, 'Boys are not allowed in here, creepo. Get out now!'"

Lewis and Henderson, who screamed for the entire 21 seconds Greibe was in the bathroom, threw combs and lip gloss at the intruder before running into an empty stall together and locking it.

Greibe maintains he was doing his best to exit the restroom.

"I tried to get out, but I couldn't get the door open," said Greibe, who suspects that one of the assailants had the rubber toe of his tennis shoe lodged under the door. "There wasn't even a window I could have climbed out of."

The girls' screams, paired with Greibe's frantic pounding on the door, finally brought principal Inez Williams to the scene. The guilty parties, who most likely heard Williams' high heels clicking down the hall, were gone before she rounded the corner.

"I arrived just seconds too late to see who was responsible," Williams said. "And if Alex has any idea who they were, he's not talking. It's almost as if he would rather see the whole thing dropped than see them punished."

Although no information has surfaced regarding the identity of the assailants, other details of the incident began circulating at six-minute break.

"I guess Alex is admitting he's a girl," said Lance Peterson, 12, after news of the assault reached the upstairs hallway. "When I see him, I'm going to call him 'Mrs. Greibe.'"

The female students at Milford East were less calm about the event.

"It is absolutely gross that a boy would go in the girls' room," said Michelle Fetzer, 11. "Alex might as well just move to a different school now that this has happened."

Teachers and administration at Milford East are questioning what would prompt the cruel shoving incident. The most obvious answer is Greibe's position of power in the school.

Besides escorting the developmentally disabled students back and forth between the special-ed classroom and any mainstream classes they attend, as hall monitor it is Greibe's job to check passes, deliver summons to the office, keep an eye out for littering, and make sure the soda machine is not being used while third-period classes are in session.

There has been a marked increase in anti-Greibe violence at the school since he accepted the post in January, say Milford East janitorial staff sources. The last month alone has seen more than 10 incidents of tripping, notebook-swatting, gum-throwing, garbage-can-dumping and, last week, the theft of a hall-monitor belt from Greibe's locker.

In addition, Greibe's position of authority often places him in direct conflict with students, some of whom may later seek revenge.

Just last week, when Greibe ordered Eric Nakamura to present a hall pass, the sixth-grader continued down the hall, holding up his middle finger as he walked away. After finding that his actions had been reported to Principal Williams, Nakamura approached Greibe in the multi-media center and told him he'd "be sorry."

"Alex is always walking around with a stack of morning announcements like he's hot shit," said Nakamura, who was cleared of suspicion after proving he was in the computer lab at the time Greibe was assaulted. "He's not special. Anyone can be a dumb hall monitor if they're stupid enough to want to waste their study-hall time."

An unnamed sixth-grade source suggested that the shove could have been in response to Greibe ruining the curve on last week's social-studies exam, or simply due to the fact that he is "such a wuss in gym."

Whatever the cause, Milford East staff is taking measures to prevent hall-monitor abuse from occurring in the future. These include stricter library rules, shorter bathroom breaks and the elimination of the traditional oversized key-shaped wooden hall passes, which did not leave teachers with a written record of who has left the classroom.

Although many students dislike the new restrictions, girls who use the first-floor bathroom say they are relieved. Several have approached the school counselor demanding that Greibe be forced to "sign something promising that he won't come in and stare at us again."

Greibe maintains he "didn't do it on purpose," and stated that shock played a part in his inability to communicate that fact at the time.

"It was really weird in there," Greibe said. "Everything is facing the exact opposite way as the stuff in the boys' bathroom, but there's no urinals and, like, period machines on the wall."

"That's not all," he added. "It smelled nice in there, like flowers, and there's nothing written on the walls. And there weren't any paper towels on the floor. It was a whole different world."

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