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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Hallmark Debuts 1-Square-Inch Father’s Day Card With No Room For Writing Anything

KANSAS CITY, MO—Touting it as the perfect way to celebrate Dad as quickly and efficiently as possible, Hallmark debuted a 1-square-inch Father’s Day card Friday that has no room for writing anything. “This new Father’s Day card is the ideal size for tersely addressing how much your dad means to you without having to add a single sentiment of your own,” said spokesman James Swickley, adding that the card simply has “Happy Father’s Day” written in a plain font on the cover, which succinctly recognizes the occasion without any unwanted embellishment whatsoever. “The inner panel is so small that you don’t have to worry about writing out a long, heartfelt message or making a weak attempt at lighthearted humor. There’s room to sign your name, but not even enough space to write ‘Love’ above that, sparing both you and Dad the awkwardness of an affectionate sign-off.” Swickley went on to say that Hallmark was working on an even more compact version of the card that was just the cover, aimed at fathers who’d figure out who sent it to them eventually.

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