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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Halloween Decorations Blending In Nicely With Christmas Lights

PRAIRIE VILLAGE, KS—Regarding the overall cohesive visual effect with satisfaction, local man Thomas Lonergan told reporters Thursday how nicely his family’s Halloween decorations were blending in with their Christmas lights. “I wasn’t sure how it would all come together, but once I got those twinkle lights strung up on the porch, I noticed that they cast a pretty nice glow over the plastic skeletons and fake headstones we’ve left scattered across the lawn,” said Longeran, adding that the large inflatable ghost in the yard actually looked pretty close to a snowman when several reindeer were placed nearby it. “And actually, the hay from the pumpkin patch can just stay spread in front of the bushes for the Nativity scene. Huh. This is going to be less work than I thought.” At press time, Lonergan had just gone ahead and saved himself some time by repurposing the Crypt Keeper as one of the three Wise Men.


Cheetos: not to be paired with egg nog.

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