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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Halloween Decorations Blending In Nicely With Christmas Lights

PRAIRIE VILLAGE, KS—Regarding the overall cohesive visual effect with satisfaction, local man Thomas Lonergan told reporters Thursday how nicely his family’s Halloween decorations were blending in with their Christmas lights. “I wasn’t sure how it would all come together, but once I got those twinkle lights strung up on the porch, I noticed that they cast a pretty nice glow over the plastic skeletons and fake headstones we’ve left scattered across the lawn,” said Longeran, adding that the large inflatable ghost in the yard actually looked pretty close to a snowman when several reindeer were placed nearby it. “And actually, the hay from the pumpkin patch can just stay spread in front of the bushes for the Nativity scene. Huh. This is going to be less work than I thought.” At press time, Lonergan had just gone ahead and saved himself some time by repurposing the Crypt Keeper as one of the three Wise Men.

Cheetos: not to be paired with egg nog.

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