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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Halloween Decorations Blending In Nicely With Christmas Lights

PRAIRIE VILLAGE, KS—Regarding the overall cohesive visual effect with satisfaction, local man Thomas Lonergan told reporters Thursday how nicely his family’s Halloween decorations were blending in with their Christmas lights. “I wasn’t sure how it would all come together, but once I got those twinkle lights strung up on the porch, I noticed that they cast a pretty nice glow over the plastic skeletons and fake headstones we’ve left scattered across the lawn,” said Longeran, adding that the large inflatable ghost in the yard actually looked pretty close to a snowman when several reindeer were placed nearby it. “And actually, the hay from the pumpkin patch can just stay spread in front of the bushes for the Nativity scene. Huh. This is going to be less work than I thought.” At press time, Lonergan had just gone ahead and saved himself some time by repurposing the Crypt Keeper as one of the three Wise Men.


Cheetos: not to be paired with egg nog.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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