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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Halloween Safety Tips

Halloween, though lots of frightful fun, can also be full of potential dangers. Here are some tips to make your kids' All Saints' Eve an All "Safe" Eve:

  • Pack your child's rectum with razor blades to make him/her less desirable to would-be molesters.
  • Always trick-or-treat in groups of 400,000.
  • Many troublemakers and dangerous people come out on Halloween night. To be safe, trick-or-treat in early March.
  • Safety and self-defense go hand in hand. Be sure your child's handgun has at least a 10-round magazine and is at least .38 caliber to ensure stopping power.
  • For optimum safety while trick-or-treating, be sure your child does not encounter fright-master screenwriter Kevin Williamson.
  • Equip your child with special cyanide-filled false tooth for use in case of capture.
  • Be sure child closes eyes before you drill eyeholes in mask.
  • Beat would-be child murderers at their own game by poisoning your kids ahead of time.
  • Dress your child in all-black costume to make him/her virtually invisible to potentially dangerous motorists.
  • Tell your kids that if they see anything suspicious or scary-looking–for example, ghosts, goblins or witches–they should run to the nearest neighbor's house and call the police.
  • Pack child's costume with safety flares.
  • Before sending children off, give their anuses a good dollop of lube. This will help prevent their tissue from tearing when they are sodomized by maniacs.
  • Do not ring doorbells under any circumstances.

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