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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Halloween Safety Tips

Halloween, though lots of frightful fun, can also be full of potential dangers. Here are some tips to make your kids' All Saints' Eve an All "Safe" Eve:

  • Pack your child's rectum with razor blades to make him/her less desirable to would-be molesters.
  • Always trick-or-treat in groups of 400,000.
  • Many troublemakers and dangerous people come out on Halloween night. To be safe, trick-or-treat in early March.
  • Safety and self-defense go hand in hand. Be sure your child's handgun has at least a 10-round magazine and is at least .38 caliber to ensure stopping power.
  • For optimum safety while trick-or-treating, be sure your child does not encounter fright-master screenwriter Kevin Williamson.
  • Equip your child with special cyanide-filled false tooth for use in case of capture.
  • Be sure child closes eyes before you drill eyeholes in mask.
  • Beat would-be child murderers at their own game by poisoning your kids ahead of time.
  • Dress your child in all-black costume to make him/her virtually invisible to potentially dangerous motorists.
  • Tell your kids that if they see anything suspicious or scary-looking–for example, ghosts, goblins or witches–they should run to the nearest neighbor's house and call the police.
  • Pack child's costume with safety flares.
  • Before sending children off, give their anuses a good dollop of lube. This will help prevent their tissue from tearing when they are sodomized by maniacs.
  • Do not ring doorbells under any circumstances.

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