Halloween Safety Tips

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Halloween Safety Tips

Halloween, though lots of frightful fun, can also be full of potential dangers. Here are some tips to make your kids' All Saints' Eve an All "Safe" Eve:

  • Pack your child's rectum with razor blades to make him/her less desirable to would-be molesters.
  • Always trick-or-treat in groups of 400,000.
  • Many troublemakers and dangerous people come out on Halloween night. To be safe, trick-or-treat in early March.
  • Safety and self-defense go hand in hand. Be sure your child's handgun has at least a 10-round magazine and is at least .38 caliber to ensure stopping power.
  • For optimum safety while trick-or-treating, be sure your child does not encounter fright-master screenwriter Kevin Williamson.
  • Equip your child with special cyanide-filled false tooth for use in case of capture.
  • Be sure child closes eyes before you drill eyeholes in mask.
  • Beat would-be child murderers at their own game by poisoning your kids ahead of time.
  • Dress your child in all-black costume to make him/her virtually invisible to potentially dangerous motorists.
  • Tell your kids that if they see anything suspicious or scary-looking–for example, ghosts, goblins or witches–they should run to the nearest neighbor's house and call the police.
  • Pack child's costume with safety flares.
  • Before sending children off, give their anuses a good dollop of lube. This will help prevent their tissue from tearing when they are sodomized by maniacs.
  • Do not ring doorbells under any circumstances.


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