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Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

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WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

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PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

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Who Is Tim Kaine?

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Halloween Safety Tips

Halloween, though lots of frightful fun, can also be full of potential dangers. Here are some tips to make your kids' All Saints' Eve an All "Safe" Eve:

  • Pack your child's rectum with razor blades to make him/her less desirable to would-be molesters.
  • Always trick-or-treat in groups of 400,000.
  • Many troublemakers and dangerous people come out on Halloween night. To be safe, trick-or-treat in early March.
  • Safety and self-defense go hand in hand. Be sure your child's handgun has at least a 10-round magazine and is at least .38 caliber to ensure stopping power.
  • For optimum safety while trick-or-treating, be sure your child does not encounter fright-master screenwriter Kevin Williamson.
  • Equip your child with special cyanide-filled false tooth for use in case of capture.
  • Be sure child closes eyes before you drill eyeholes in mask.
  • Beat would-be child murderers at their own game by poisoning your kids ahead of time.
  • Dress your child in all-black costume to make him/her virtually invisible to potentially dangerous motorists.
  • Tell your kids that if they see anything suspicious or scary-looking–for example, ghosts, goblins or witches–they should run to the nearest neighbor's house and call the police.
  • Pack child's costume with safety flares.
  • Before sending children off, give their anuses a good dollop of lube. This will help prevent their tissue from tearing when they are sodomized by maniacs.
  • Do not ring doorbells under any circumstances.

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