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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Halloweiner Frankfest 2013 Poster Now Relic Of Time Long Gone

TULSA, OK—A poster for “Halloweiner Frankfest 2013” seen today on the bulletin board of area coffee shop Corner Joe now stands as an artifact of times long gone, offering a glimpse into an epoch of history long forgotten and believed lost to the ages, sources confirmed. “Come on out on October 28th, 2013 for a night of spooky fun, delicious sausages, and tasty craft beers,” the relic from history’s deepest, darkest corridors read in part, allowing all who viewed it to briefly journey back, if only for a moment, to a faraway time when autumn was new and Halloween-themed beer-and-sausage tastings were seasonally appropriate. “Costume contest at 9:00. Dance party at 10:00. Bring your friends along for a scary good night!” At press time, witnesses could only guess as to how the people of October 28, 2013—so alike to us in many respects—lived and communicated on a day-to-day basis.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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