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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Halloweiner Frankfest 2013 Poster Now Relic Of Time Long Gone

TULSA, OK—A poster for “Halloweiner Frankfest 2013” seen today on the bulletin board of area coffee shop Corner Joe now stands as an artifact of times long gone, offering a glimpse into an epoch of history long forgotten and believed lost to the ages, sources confirmed. “Come on out on October 28th, 2013 for a night of spooky fun, delicious sausages, and tasty craft beers,” the relic from history’s deepest, darkest corridors read in part, allowing all who viewed it to briefly journey back, if only for a moment, to a faraway time when autumn was new and Halloween-themed beer-and-sausage tastings were seasonally appropriate. “Costume contest at 9:00. Dance party at 10:00. Bring your friends along for a scary good night!” At press time, witnesses could only guess as to how the people of October 28, 2013—so alike to us in many respects—lived and communicated on a day-to-day basis.

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