adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Halloweiner Frankfest 2013 Poster Now Relic Of Time Long Gone

TULSA, OK—A poster for “Halloweiner Frankfest 2013” seen today on the bulletin board of area coffee shop Corner Joe now stands as an artifact of times long gone, offering a glimpse into an epoch of history long forgotten and believed lost to the ages, sources confirmed. “Come on out on October 28th, 2013 for a night of spooky fun, delicious sausages, and tasty craft beers,” the relic from history’s deepest, darkest corridors read in part, allowing all who viewed it to briefly journey back, if only for a moment, to a faraway time when autumn was new and Halloween-themed beer-and-sausage tastings were seasonally appropriate. “Costume contest at 9:00. Dance party at 10:00. Bring your friends along for a scary good night!” At press time, witnesses could only guess as to how the people of October 28, 2013—so alike to us in many respects—lived and communicated on a day-to-day basis.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close