adBlockCheck

Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
End Of Section
  • More News

Handlers Constantly Reminding Gingrich To Stay On Uninspiring, Belittling Message

PHOENIX—As Newt Gingrich continues to cede ground to Rick Santorum, the former House speaker's campaign team has responded by advising him to stay focused on the belligerent, mean-spirited message that has long been the hallmark of his presidential run, sources confirmed Monday. "Newt's rhetoric can become abstract and idiosyncratic at times, and we have to gently remind him that he just needs to be himself, to be the Newt people are familiar with—the Newt devoid of any discernible scruple beyond his own insatiable instinct for self-promotion," campaign director Michael Krull said Friday, explaining that whatever lies at Gingrich's cold, depraved core is what will make or break him with voters. "Every time he veers off course and talks passionately about about outer space or how the United States has to stop spending beyond its means, I tell him, 'Look, your greatest asset is being a remorseless asshole. Now get out there, fuck everyone over using every means at your disposal and let's win this thing.'" Several handlers told reporters they live in fear of a gaffe in which Gingrich displays some vague semblance of humanity and completely loses his identity among voters.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close