Handlers Desperate To Prevent Tara Reid Political Awakening

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Vol 38 Issue 19

Same Jumbotron Used For Marriage Proposal Used To Ask For Divorce

CLEVELAND— Seven years after using the giant television screen to propose marriage, Kevin Kalish, 36, used the Sony Jumbotron at Jacobs Field to ask his wife Diane for a divorce Sunday. "DIANE, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL WOMAN AND YOU'VE BEEN VERY GOOD TO ME," read the message, posted before 22,347 fans during the fifth inning of an Indians-Royals game. "BUT LATELY I'M JUST FEELING TRAPPED AND SMOTHERED BY MARRIED LIFE. DIANE, WILL YOU BE MY EX-WIFE?" The Jumbotron went on to inform Diane that Kevin assumes she will want custody of their two children, and that he has no plans to contest that.

Fat Couple's Love Like A Fat Flower

DECATUR, AL— The love shared by Gene West and Brenda Goslow, who together total nearly 600 pounds, is as precious as a heaving, bloated rose, friends of the Decatur couple report. "It's so inspiring to see two people lumber through life hand-in-hand," friend Alice Toffler said Monday. "Their love is like a big, beautiful, morbidly obese chrysanthemum. Or a new spring tulip that just can't lay off the Fritos."

Area Man Urinating Like It's The Best Thing Ever To Happen To Him

FALL RIVER, MA— According to fellow urinators in the men's room of the Tip-Top Tavern, Steve Rilke, 44, is urinating as if it were the best thing ever to happen to him. "From the sounds he's making, you'd think it was the culmination of a lifelong dream," said Frank Nolfo, moments after stepping away from the adjacent urinal. "I mean, this is one seriously passionate piss." Nolfo theorized that Rilke's overly enthusiastic bladder-voiding is somehow related to the Tip-Top Tavern's three-for-one special on Bud Ice.

Struggling Airline Helped By Friendly Giant

FORT WORTH, TX— Hit hard by the recession and the aftermath of Sept. 11, American Airlines has received some much-needed assistance from a friendly giant named Urno. "Urno has been of enormous help to us, mostly by picking up planes and running them to their destinations to cut fuel expenses," American Airlines president Donald Carty said Monday. "He also helps wash our dirty planes by dipping them into lakes and rivers." Carty said he has strongly discouraged Urno from swatting rival airlines' planes out of the sky, but "sometimes, he just won't listen."

Retarded Child Gets New Video Game Right Before Every Dinner Party

KETTERING, OH— Jeffrey Dumas, a developmentally disabled 12-year-old, receives a new PlayStation 2 video game right before every dinner party thrown by his parents. "Look, Jeffrey, a driving game!" said Meredith Dumas, 40, presenting her son with "Gran Turismo 3" and a box of snack crackers minutes before guests began arriving for a party Sunday. "I bet you could get a million points by bedtime if you started now!" The haul was one of Dumas' best since New Year's Eve, when a party thrown by his parents netted him "WWF Smackdown!," "Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back," and "Simpsons: Road Rage."

Offin' Office Max

Yo, this is a message foe all y'all wack muthafuckas at Office Depot: Step tha FUCK OFF, lest y'all wanna brawl wit' tha H-Dog an' tha rest of tha Midstate Office Supply krew. 'Cuz if it come to that, shit ain't gonna be pretty. Tha H-Dog and his Midstate ballers will WASTE yo' sorry li'l red-polo-shirted asses. Word is bond.
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

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Handlers Desperate To Prevent Tara Reid Political Awakening

LOS ANGELES—Tara Reid's agent, publicist, and other members of her management team are working feverishly to avert a potential political awakening in the 26-year-old actress, sources reported Tuesday.

Tara Reid

"Thus far, Tara has been blissfully oblivious to world affairs," said Rick Stein, Reid's agent at International Creative Management. "But we must remain ever-vigilant of the possibility that, as her star continues to rise, she will develop a political consciousness like so many others in Hollywood."

"As bad as she is, could you imagine if, during an interview for a new movie, she started going off on saving the animals or ending world hunger or something?" Stein said. "So long as she's my client, I will do everything in my power to ensure that this never happens."

The star of such films as American Pie, Josie And The Pussycats, and National Lampoon's Van Wilder, Reid is a fixture on the L.A. party circuit. She also achieved a measure of notoriety in tabloids and on gossip pages last year following her broken engagement to MTV VJ Carson Daly. Though there is no indication that Reid takes an interest in politics or current events, or is even registered to vote, Stein and his associates are keeping an eye out for telltale signs of nascent awareness of social issues.

"I was having lunch with Tara the other day, and she told me she was thinking of becoming a vegetarian," said Libby Winters, Reid's publicist. "I thought, 'Oh, fuck—[personal assistant] Kimberly [Braterman] didn't screen Tara's mail thoroughly and let a PETA mass-mailing slip through.' So I casually asked Tara where she got that idea. She said she was at a party with [socialite] Paris Hilton, and Paris told Tara that her boyfriend said her pussy juice tasted better after she quit eating red meat. I can't tell you how relieved I was."

Winters went on to note that while Reid frequently practices yoga—widely regarded as a "gateway exercise" to spiritual and political awareness—the activity has not had any such effect.

Reporting regularly to Reid manager Kevin Adrian, members of the actress' entourage are under strict orders not to expose Reid to politically suggestive material. They have also been instructed to inform Adrian of any action or remark which may indicate an emergent social consciousness on the part of Reid, however embryonic or misdirected.

Reid's hairstylist, Frederic Chukka, recently became alarmed when she asked him if the hairspray he was using was "environmentally friendly."

Tara Reid and model/socialite Paris Hilton at a Sean John fashion show in New York.

"At first, I didn't know what to say," Chukka said. "I stammered something about the government banning all that fluorocarbon stuff in the '70s. Tara gave me this look like she didn't quite believe me. I said to myself, 'Think fast, Frederic, if you want to do her hair for next year's Golden Globes.'"

Continued Chukka: "So I said to Tara, 'Even if they didn't ban all that stuff, no one cares besides a couple of ugly, mousy hippie bitches who are just jealous of rock-star babes like you. You deserve to shine, sweetheart. Besides, I can't think of a better product to give you that just-been-fucked look.' She just nodded."

The handlers' vigilance has extended into Reid's acting choices. Adrian said he encourages his client to play mainly sexy, lighthearted, apolitical roles. As an added measure, he counts on Reid's personal assistant, Kimberly Braterman, to ensure that the on-set environment is politics-free.

"There was a lot of concern when she was cast in Dr. T And The Women," Braterman said. "[Director Robert] Altman is known for his subversive, countercultural views, and [co-star] Richard Gere is a passionate advocate for Tibetan independence. It was a dangerous situation to put her in, but by keeping Tara's trailer far away from Richard's and by frequently pulling her off the set for premieres, press junkets, and racy pictorials for Stuff magazine and Maxim, we managed to shield her from any potential indoctrination."

One Hollywood celebrity who has openly condemned Reid's handlers is actress Jaime Pressly, star of Joe Dirt and Tomcats.

"It is just so unfair," Pressly said. "Because of her control-freak handlers, Tara will never learn of the joys and rewards of political awareness. Since my own awakening last year, I feel so much more full of knowledge and awareness, and I think celebrities should use their fame to educate the public about important issues. Like, for example, did you know that women in Pakistine have to be buried alive with their dead husbands, whether they want to or not? That is so wrong."

Added Pressly: "Oh, and by the way, milk is nothing but liquid meat."

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