‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Handshake Comes In At Unusually High Angle, Velocity

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—During an introduction to another man at a party Friday night, local resident Mike Greenly was reportedly blindsided by a high-speed handshake that plunged in at an angle of nearly 90 degrees. "His hand initially rose above his head like he was going for a high-five, but then it pointed straight down and just dove like a hawk," said Greenly, explaining the steep angle resulted in his grasping the tips of only three fingers during the shake. "My hand actually flinched when I saw his hand coming." According to current estimates, a proper handshake should be delivered at an angle of plus-or-minus 5 degrees and with an average speed of 7 mph.

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