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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Hanes, Fruit Of The Loom Locked In Bitter Struggle No One Else Aware Of

NEW YORK—The ongoing rivalry between Hanes and Fruit Of The Loom, the nation's two largest manufacturers of underwear, has escalated into a bitter struggle for sales supremacy that no one else on Earth knows, let alone cares, about, The Wall Street Journal reported Monday. "Apparently, in June of this year, Hanes introduced a new mid-length men's brief in response to a Fruit Of The Loom launch of a similar brief in May," Wall Street Journal reporter Leonard Dorner said. "And, from what I can gather, the careers of many executives at both companies are riding on the outcome of this epic mid-length-brief battle." Said Richmond, VA, underwear consumer Jonathan MacWilliams: "I'm not really sure which brand I wear."

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