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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Hanes, Fruit Of The Loom Locked In Bitter Struggle No One Else Aware Of

NEW YORK—The ongoing rivalry between Hanes and Fruit Of The Loom, the nation's two largest manufacturers of underwear, has escalated into a bitter struggle for sales supremacy that no one else on Earth knows, let alone cares, about, The Wall Street Journal reported Monday. "Apparently, in June of this year, Hanes introduced a new mid-length men's brief in response to a Fruit Of The Loom launch of a similar brief in May," Wall Street Journal reporter Leonard Dorner said. "And, from what I can gather, the careers of many executives at both companies are riding on the outcome of this epic mid-length-brief battle." Said Richmond, VA, underwear consumer Jonathan MacWilliams: "I'm not really sure which brand I wear."

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