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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Hanes, Fruit Of The Loom Locked In Bitter Struggle No One Else Aware Of

NEW YORK—The ongoing rivalry between Hanes and Fruit Of The Loom, the nation's two largest manufacturers of underwear, has escalated into a bitter struggle for sales supremacy that no one else on Earth knows, let alone cares, about, The Wall Street Journal reported Monday. "Apparently, in June of this year, Hanes introduced a new mid-length men's brief in response to a Fruit Of The Loom launch of a similar brief in May," Wall Street Journal reporter Leonard Dorner said. "And, from what I can gather, the careers of many executives at both companies are riding on the outcome of this epic mid-length-brief battle." Said Richmond, VA, underwear consumer Jonathan MacWilliams: "I'm not really sure which brand I wear."

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