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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Hannah Storm On What She’s Learned From Interviewing NFL Players: ‘They’re Idiots’

BRISTOL, CT—Claiming that the interviews during the NFL Face To Face series were very enlightening, SportsCenter anchor Hannah Storm revealed Monday that the in-depth conversations with NFL superstars taught her that professional football players are complete idiots. “When you sit down and really talk to a NFL player, you see right away that they are just dumb as fuck,” said Storm, adding that the dipshits elaborated on their goals, feelings, and passions with a series of incoherent and incredibly moronic statements. “As individuals, each of them shared their amazingly stupid thoughts on a number of topics, which provided a unique insight into an uneducated jerk.” Storm told reporters that despite their talent and physical prowess, NFL players are really no different from the average American imbecile.

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