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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Hannah Storm On What She’s Learned From Interviewing NFL Players: ‘They’re Idiots’

BRISTOL, CT—Claiming that the interviews during the NFL Face To Face series were very enlightening, SportsCenter anchor Hannah Storm revealed Monday that the in-depth conversations with NFL superstars taught her that professional football players are complete idiots. “When you sit down and really talk to a NFL player, you see right away that they are just dumb as fuck,” said Storm, adding that the dipshits elaborated on their goals, feelings, and passions with a series of incoherent and incredibly moronic statements. “As individuals, each of them shared their amazingly stupid thoughts on a number of topics, which provided a unique insight into an uneducated jerk.” Storm told reporters that despite their talent and physical prowess, NFL players are really no different from the average American imbecile.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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