adBlockCheck

Harbaugh Boys Miss Super Bowl While Attempting To Solve Mystery Of Smugglers Cove

Top Headlines

Sports

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Harbaugh Boys Miss Super Bowl While Attempting To Solve Mystery Of Smugglers Cove

NEW ORLEANS—Tied up with their efforts to crack their most intriguing case yet, sources confirmed Sunday that the Harbaugh Boys missed the first half of Super Bowl XLVII while attempting to solve The Mystery of Smugglers Cove.

According to sources, the amateur sleuths and head football coaches—Jim, the younger, brown-haired, and more fiery and brash of the two, and John, the older, brown-haired brother, who is also fiery and brash—failed to make kickoff for the championship matchup between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens while investigating the mysterious circumstances surrounding the theft of a cache of priceless gems, just the latest case taken on by the prodigious detective duo.

“In between finding the jewels, stopping that ring of diamond smugglers, and our unexpected excursion to Parrot Island, we completely forgot about the big game!” Jim Harbaugh told reporters, untangling his headset and tugging his windbreaker over his shoulders before rushing into the 49ers' locker room. “Luckily, Old Man Hobson didn't mind giving us a ride back to the Superdome in his seaplane. That's two favors we owe him now.”

The Harbaugh Boys have reportedly wowed football fans and law enforcement alike with their impressive feats both on and off the field. In their latest exploit, the pair reportedly worked together to uncover the secrets surrounding the disappearance of valuable gemstones loaned out to the New Orleans Natural History Museum by the Countess Grafton. Sources confirmed that the case led the brothers through a labyrinthine adventure featuring hidden passageways, a steamy bayou filled with deadly crocodiles, and a mysterious blonde-haired man in a trench coat—all while enduring the hype and public relations challenges posed by Super Bowl media week.

“Both of us were real busy getting our squads ready for the Super Bowl, but once we got word that the museum had been robbed just days after a glass-bottomed boat went missing off the shores of Smugglers Cove, we knew something was a little too perfect about this perfect heist,” said John Harbaugh, who according to sources is considered to be the more logical and rational of the two brothers by a negligible margin. “And since we knew the police weren't going to figure out this one on their own, we realized we had to get to work.”

“In the end, it turned out that old widow wasn't as innocent as she wanted us to believe,” the Ravens coach added.

According to sources, the Harbaugh Boys have over the years tackled dozens of cases, including The Secret of Skull Mountain and The Disappearing Floor, often with the assistance of their doughy friend and sidekick, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Though the sibling detectives have successfully solved every single whodunit they have taken on—all while maintaining an impressive 89-38-1 coaching record between them—the boys' father, Jack Harbaugh, a former college football coach and renowned private investigator, isn't always so enthusiastic about his sons' interest in his line of work.

"Frankly, I wish they would stay out of this business. They're good detectives, but they should focus on their playbooks and leave the gumshoe bit to the professionals," the elder Harbaugh said. "And a lot of the time, it seems they spend more time screaming at each other than they do actually solving cases." At press time, sources said the Harbaugh Boys had again become distracted from their head coaching duties upon taking on The Mystery of The Missing Run Defense.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close