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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Hard-Hitting Investigative Report Still Only About Sports

BRISTOL, CT—A four month in-depth investigation into the conduct of USC basketball star O.J. Mayo conducted by ESPN's Outside The Lines program was still, in the end, about nothing more important than sports. "[Rodney] Guillory, in violation of NCAA rules, has provided Mayo with cash, thousands of dollars in clothing, a flat-screen television, a cell phone, meals, and other benefits," reported Kelly Naqi of a man who will soon be paid millions of dollars to bounce a ball up and down and throw it through the air. Though there is acknowledged genocide being carried out in the Sudan and refugees of the Chinese earthquakes are once again being relocated due to flooding, Naqi went on to say that "under California state law, it's a misdemeanor for sports agents to provide cash to student athletes." As the Dow Jones index fell another 436 points, Outside The Lines followed up the report with a 15-minute piece on how the unkempt infield at Fenway may cause more errors than at other parks.

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