Hard-Hitting Investigative Report Still Only About Sports

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Vol 44 Issue 29

McCain Addresses NAACP

Presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain spoke before the NAACP on Wednesday. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Hard-Hitting Investigative Report Still Only About Sports

BRISTOL, CT—A four month in-depth investigation into the conduct of USC basketball star O.J. Mayo conducted by ESPN's Outside The Lines program was still, in the end, about nothing more important than sports. "[Rodney] Guillory, in violation of NCAA rules, has provided Mayo with cash, thousands of dollars in clothing, a flat-screen television, a cell phone, meals, and other benefits," reported Kelly Naqi of a man who will soon be paid millions of dollars to bounce a ball up and down and throw it through the air. Though there is acknowledged genocide being carried out in the Sudan and refugees of the Chinese earthquakes are once again being relocated due to flooding, Naqi went on to say that "under California state law, it's a misdemeanor for sports agents to provide cash to student athletes." As the Dow Jones index fell another 436 points, Outside The Lines followed up the report with a 15-minute piece on how the unkempt infield at Fenway may cause more errors than at other parks.
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