Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind

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Vol 48 Issue 49

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye were married before friends and family this weekend, but as of press time it was not known if the ceremony was beautiful.

Oscar Mayer Unveils New Weiner Drone

The 15-year-old Duchess of McComb, Alabama announces her pregnancy, a 38-year-old little boy posts a picture of a fast car he likes on Facebook, and the nation's hardass cops finally find time to play games.

Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington

Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational use of marijuana took effect.

Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub

TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone in his office daydreaming about a mouthwatering 72-inch Springsteen sub.
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Hardee's Introduces Shame Curtains For Customers To Eat Behind

ST. LOUIS—In response to extensive market research, fast food chain Hardee’s announced plans Tuesday to equip every table at its restaurants with its all-new “Shame Curtains,” large, dark drapes behind which menu items can be consumed in complete privacy. “We asked customers what we could do to improve their dining experience, and they said nothing would be better than finding a way to prevent them from making humiliating public spectacles of themselves as they enjoy Hardee’s classics like our two-thirds pound Monster Thickburger,” CEO Andrew Pudzer said during a press conference at which he demonstrated how to use the fully opaque, ceiling-to-floor Shame Curtains. “Once the double-Velcro closure is secure, you can consume your meal free from the recriminating glances and disgusted stares of your fellow patrons. And you don’t have to worry about feeling embarrassment in front of passersby, either, because we’ve decided to just go ahead and brick up all the windows.” Pending the success of the curtains, Hardee’s may experiment with subterranean tunnels that allow its restaurants to be entered from across the street.

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