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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Harness Racing Movie Contends Life Is Like Harness Racing

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a recent interview about his movie Loosing The Hopple, screenwriter Jason Chesley said that his story of a young harness racer's relationship with his horse and their struggles to shift from a pacing to a trotting gait before eventually winning the storied Hambletonian is actually a metaphor for life. "It's less a harness racing movie than a deeply human story of relationships and personal struggles that just happens to have harness racing in it," said Chesley, who compared his protagonist's struggles with hoppling his horse Whole Enchilada to the universal struggle of shedding the yoke of childhood and growing up. "Life isn't always a garden trip. You're being carried along in the sulky of fate with only your Standardbred and your wits, and when you're boxed in, third on the rail, well, those are the times you dig down, move into the pocket, and trot yourself right out of that death hole." Though Chelsey was coy concerning most plot points, he did confirm that his protagonist's encounter with Messenger, the horse from which all harness racing horses were bred from, was a metaphor for God.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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