adBlockCheck

Sports

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Harold Reynolds Tests Positive For Elevated Levels Of Testosterone

BRISTOL, CT—A week after firing Harold Reynolds for sexual harassment, ESPN reported that the Baseball Tonight analyst failed a routine daily-interaction-with-women test, and alleged that an unusually high level of testosterone in Reynolds' body was responsible for his shocking come-from-behind performance. "Although it is unclear whether Harold was taking any extra testosterone, his actions indicate that he is unable to even handle the level of testosterone normally present in his system," said Dr. Jerry Alderson, chairman of the World Anti-Groping Agency. "Nobody wants this kind of player in the workplace." Reynolds could not be reached for comment, but is reportedly seeking a job at Fox Sports Network's Best Damn Sports Show Period.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close