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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Harold Reynolds Tests Positive For Elevated Levels Of Testosterone

BRISTOL, CT—A week after firing Harold Reynolds for sexual harassment, ESPN reported that the Baseball Tonight analyst failed a routine daily-interaction-with-women test, and alleged that an unusually high level of testosterone in Reynolds' body was responsible for his shocking come-from-behind performance. "Although it is unclear whether Harold was taking any extra testosterone, his actions indicate that he is unable to even handle the level of testosterone normally present in his system," said Dr. Jerry Alderson, chairman of the World Anti-Groping Agency. "Nobody wants this kind of player in the workplace." Reynolds could not be reached for comment, but is reportedly seeking a job at Fox Sports Network's Best Damn Sports Show Period.

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