Harrison Ford Begs Agents To Just Let Him Die Now

Top Headlines


‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Harrison Ford Begs Agents To Just Let Him Die Now

LOS ANGELES—Saying that “it’s time,” a visibly weary Harrison Ford pleaded with his agents Thursday to simply stop this and let him die, sources confirmed. “Please, you’ve had your fill. Just let me go quietly into the night,” the 71-year-old Ender’s Game star reportedly said, later imploring his agents not to hand him any more scripts and to just “let [him] go to sleep forever.” “I’ve spent my entire life doing this for you people. We had a good run, but it’s been a long journey and I’m very tired now. Please don’t talk about any more projects or how the director will work around my schedule. And don’t try to convince me that this is how I get my Oscar. It’s over. I just want to close my eyes and never wake up.” Reports confirm that Ford’s agents then mentioned a new script set during the Cold War in which he’d play Robert McNamara, which prompted Ford to sigh, shake his head, and say, “Okay, let me take a look.”


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close