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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Harry Connick, Jr. Dies In Piano Fire

NEW ORLEANS—According to a statement released by the New Orleans Police Department, a piano fire claimed the life of celebrated singer Harry Connick, Jr. late Tuesday night. Witnesses on the scene said Connick was in the midst of a particularly jaunty rendition of “S’wonderful” when the piano—which had been inspected just two weeks prior to the incident—suddenly burst into flames. “The burning lacquer just adhered to his skin like napalm,” friend and witness Jamie Walters said. “Then the blaze got hotter, and the piano wires began to snap, cutting into his hands, arms, and face like steel razor whips. We tried to pull him away from there, but he kept running back to finish the song.” Connick was 43.

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