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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Harry Kalas Narrates Steve Sabol's Ascension To Heaven

HEAVEN—Legendary sports broadcaster Harry Kalas narrated NFL Films co-founder Steve Sabol’s ascension to heaven Tuesday, providing a stirring play-by-play of the 69-year-old soul’s dramatic entry into the Kingdom of God. “It’s a blustery day for a journey to heaven but Steve Sabol comes out soaring, hits a shaft of light, and rockets upward,” Kalas said. “It could be—it is! He’s going all the way to the Pearly Gates. He’s flying across the sky now and quickly eludes St. Peter with a stiff arm. And he’s done it. Steve Sabol has risen to the occasion and ascended into heaven.” Kalas, who described Sabol’s performance as flawless, confirmed that 750,000 angels were on their feet and cheering.

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