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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Harry Kalas Tribute Video Somehow Narrated By Harry Kalas

PHILADELPHIA—In what fans are calling a touching and entirely fitting tribute to the Philadelphia icon, the Phillies released a farewell video of Harry Kalas Monday narrated by Kalas himself. "In Philadelphia, they'll tell you that if Harry Kalas said it, it must be true," Kalas' distinctive voice can be heard saying over a montage of great Kalas moments, including his first day as a Phillies broadcaster and both Phillies World Series victories. "His honeyed old-leather-and-bourbon baritone was spring and summer to generations of baseball fans. We'll miss his voice, but not as much as we'll miss the man. So, one last time, we say: Long drive...watch that baby...outta here. Home run, Harry Kalas." The Phillies declined comment on the video itself, saying only that choosing Kalas to narrate the labor of love was a "no-brainer" and that no other voice would do Kalas' legend justice.

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