adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Hatred Of Marriage Counselor Brings Couple Together

TEMPE, AZ—Area couple Tom and Becky Witthauser credited the successful resolution of their ongoing marital conflicts to their mutual hatred of their marriage counselor Monday, describing him as the "jag-off whose prissy, ineffectual demeanor brought us closer than we've been in years."

The Witthausers enjoy a newfound closeness, thanks to their hatred of therapist Roger Verbicki (below).

The Witthausers, married eight years, began visiting Dr. Roger Verbicki, 42, a psychologist and accredited couples counselor, in May after months of strife threatened to end their union. Holding hands and gazing lovingly at each other, they described their first fateful meeting with "the insufferable" Verbicki.

"At the time, we could barely make eye contact," Tom said. "But about halfway through the first session, we started casting these sideways glances, because we just hated this guy. We could both feel it."

"After our first session, I told Becky, 'That guy is so unlikeable, like the way he asked us to call him Dr. Roger,'" Tom said.

"And I said, I hated him too!" Becky said, finishing Tom's sentence. "He was such a putz, like he's Dr. Phil or something. Our buddy. Gonna help us through this. What a loser."

The Witthausers said they can barely maintain their composure during their weekly meetings, due to Verbicki's various mannerisms and affectations. His nasal voice, sallow complexion, stained teeth, elbow-patched corduroy blazers, and affinity for herbal tea are among the traits cited by the Witthausers. Singled out for particular ridicule was Verbicki's tendency to rest his face against his thumb and index finger, and scratch his lower lip.

Therapist Roger Verbicki.

"I just want to beat the guy up," Tom said.

"And I've really learned to appreciate Tom for that," Becky said.

Tom demonstrated his imitation of Dr. Verbicki, which Becky described as "adorably mean."

"Well, if done in the proper manner, I think it would be very beneficial," said Tom, lampooning Verbicki's frequent use of the phrase "if done in the proper manner" and mispronunciation of the word "beneficial."

The couple laughed and embraced each other.

The Witthausers reported that they started communicating with each other soon after their therapy sessions began, if only to express their revulsion toward their counselor. By spending time together to complain about Verbicki's habits, the couple's romance was rekindled.

"We spent hours walking beside the lake, or drinking wine and listening to music, holding hands, and complaining about the way Dr. Roger's mouth hangs open, or how he taps his knees every time he gets up out of his chair," Becky said, adding that the mutual sentiments helped the couple realize how much they still enjoyed each other's company and how indispensable they were to each other.

"I can't imagine trashing Dr. Roger with any other person, really," Tom said.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close