Haunted Corn Maze Owner Has Another Conversation With Zombie No. 2 About Not Touching

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Vol 49 Issue 42

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games: Seahawks at Cardinals OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Cardinals – Backup quarterback Drew Stanton will lead...

Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay

A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at Bay’s head, though the director was able to avoid serious injury by ducking and then wrestling the appliance away from his...

Johnson & Johnson Introduces New Leave-In Q-Tips

A blood-soaked mayor Bloomberg announces that homelessness is no longer a problem in New York City, Guinness World Records promotes the man who can lift 27 pounds with his tongue to editor-in-chief, and a child sees no reason why his iron man costume can'...

God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans

THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed to the public that He occasionally eats human beings. The Supreme Being, who spoke to reporters today about His dietary habits,...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Haunted Corn Maze Owner Has Another Conversation With Zombie No. 2 About Not Touching

MALTA, IL—After receiving several complaints from patrons regarding unwanted touching in the haunted corn maze attraction, Jonamac Orchard owner Stuart Parrish reportedly sat down with the actor portraying Zombie No. 2 for a second conversation about the maze’s no-contact policy. “Look, Dan, I don’t care if that’s what a real zombie would do—haunters can’t touch the guests, period,” Parrish told the 36-year-old seasonal employee, adding that “you can get in their face, you can run at and around them, but there just can’t be hands-on contact.” “I hear you. We want this to be a scary experience. But I gave two refunds this weekend to guests who said they felt endangered. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but this is a family attraction, and you have to respect that.” Parrish added that he had to be especially vigilant after last year’s corn maze debacle, when he fired the Wolfman over allegations that he exposed himself.

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