Hawaiian Punch Physicists Unveil New 500-Megaton Very-Berry Bomb

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Vol 30 Issue 09

Who Will Win the Base-Ball Matches?

My nurse informs me that it is now the autumn-time, which to every red-blooded American boy means the season in which the professional base-ball sporting clubs vie for a berth in the great Championship Series of the World. I predict that the Knickerbockers will give those accursed Red Stockings a sound thrashing. Of course, we can't count out the great Pie Traynor and his Philadelphia Peglegs.

Voter Apathy

Despite many national campaigns to increase turnout, nearly half of all Americans eligible to vote are still staying home on Election Day. Why aren't we voting?

Bitch Be Gettin' All That Way

DETROIT—Sources revealed Monday that Keshonda Lewis, a played-out, certified stank-ass ho from the Detroit area, be gettin' all that way. "Keshonda think she all that," said Tamika Wilson, 22, a one-time friend of Lewis'. "Well, I got news for you—she ain't." According to Wilson, Lewis "be all like, 'I'm Miss Thang,'" when, in fact, "None of the brothers around the way want a piece of that coochie." President Clinton declined comment on the situation.

Former Marine To Watch Lots Of TV

STOCKTON, CA—At a packed press conference Monday, former U.S. Marine Randy Barcynski unveiled his plans to watch lots of television in the coming months. "I am going to watch a hell of a lot of TV," announced the unemployed Barcynski, who served with the 57th Division in the Gulf War, earning two Silver Medals of Distinction. "The Price is Right, One Life to Live, Seinfeld, Cybill, ER—those are just some of the many, many shows I am going to watch." Barcynski added that among the new fall shows, Mr. Rhodes and Party Girl are his favorites, though he stressed that he would watch all the others as well, even those he dislikes. Added Barcynski, "You have no idea how much freaking TV I am going to watch."

Society Tea Party Spoiled By Ocelot

LONDON—A formal tea party, hosted by Lady Edwina Wolford-Bingham and attended by many of the finest members of London's high society, was spoiled Sunday by the appearance of an ocelot. "Oh, dear," said Lady Wolford-Bingham, whose father, Lord William Alfred Shropshire-Wolford, was a third cousin of Winston Churchill's. "There appears to be an ocelot at my tea party." In addition to "badly scratching" Lady Catherine Norwich Baker Putnam-Howe, the angry ocelot overturned a number of tables and broke an expensive vase.

Man Captures Ross Perot, Is Granted Three Wishes

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Area resident Darnell Tanner was granted three wishes Monday when he discovered and captured Reform Party presidential candidate Ross Perot in a magic pea patch. "I was just walking along when I saw something rustling among a clump of leaves," Tanner said. "I went closer, and there was Ross Perot, helping a group of tiny bees sprinkle fairy dust. I picked him up, and he told me I could have anything I wanted." According to Tanner, who has spent his first wish on a 50-foot yacht, the Texas billionaire's only condition was that he may never reveal the location of the secret pea patch. "Perot said that if I told anyone, I'd lose all my wishes and be banned from Pretty Pixie Land forever," Tanner said. "He also told me that it's time the American people had a government that worked for them."

Chinese, Ants Announce Alliance

BEIJING, CHINA—The people of China and the world ant community signed a treaty that will establish close relations between the two civilizations.

Me An' Cletus Is A-Feudin'

Shut yer tater trap and listen here— that consarned Cletus an' I is a-feudin' agin', and ain't nothin' on God's green Earth gonna stop me from tannin' his hide but good!

I Saw Fabio at RomantiCon '96!

Hate to say it, folks, but your old pal Jean had just about the lousiest summer since the Bay City Rollers canceled their show at the Schenck Ice Arena in June 1977!
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Hawaiian Punch Physicists Unveil New 500-Megaton Very-Berry Bomb

OAHU, HI—Sources deep within Hawaiian Punch's secret military compound near Oahu revealed Monday that the fruit juice superpower has developed a devastating new weapon in the fight against thirst: the Very Berry Bomb, a 500-megaton, Fruitonium-powered device capable of refreshing a city the size of Houston.

The Berry Bomb, a Fruitonium-powered device capable of refreshing a city the size of Houston, is expected to shift the Thirst War balance of power toward the Hawaiians.

"If the device actually works," said Frederick Buttle, Harvard University professor of political science, "it could decisively shift the Thirst War balance of power in favor of the Hawaiians."

Test detonations in the Nevada desert have demonstrated the bomb's awesome power. Bright red mushroom clouds reaching heights of up to 1,500 feet have erupted on military testing grounds throughout the state, showering tropical berry excitement throughout the hot, arid region.

Troops exposed to the bomb's fallout reportedly emerged from clouds of dust in a festive mood, wearing flowered shirts and leis, and in some cases having formed conga lines.

"Clearly, any area struck by this bomb would not return to normal for decades," Buttle said. "We are likely talking about a non-stop luau, day and night, for generations to come."

Added Buttle: "To be shielded from the super-fruity effects of the bomb, you would need a shelter with five-foot-thick, steel walls, ideally buried some 20 feet underground, and even then residual tropicality would seep into the surrounding soil and contaminate you upon exiting."

"The secret to the bomb's intense fruity taste is the countless varieties of berries used," explained Heinrich Wolfe, a well-known expert on fruit-flavored beverages. "Strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries. Boysenberries, loganberries, blackberries and even huckleberries."

In addition to the awesomely fruit-a-rooty taste concentrated into each bomb, the use of 10 percent fruit juice guarantees an overwhelming taste sensation for the population upon which the bomb is dropped.

"Kool-Aid, with its zero percent real fruit juice, can not even dream of competing with Hawaiian Punch now," Wolfe said. "Hawaiian Punch's enemies must kneel before Punchy or be quenched with one mighty blow. 'Come on and go Hawaiian' is no longer a mere suggestion—it is a genuine threat."

The announcement of the new Hawaiian Punch bomb has sent Kool-Aid military leaders, with their badly outdated arsenal of Rock-a-dile Red Missiles, scrambling to develop new weapons technologies. Among the plans for the once-dominant beverage power: a $100 million Tropical Tango Missile, described by one top Pentagon official as "MX Mango-riffic."

Despite its awesome power, one technical disadvantage to the bomb revolves around the difficulty in getting a hostile nation to say it would like a nice Hawaiian Punch, a necessity before the bomb can be dropped.

"Punchy," Hawaiian Punch's Thirst-Quencher in Chief, has reportedly been trying to get Kool-Aid leaders to say it for weeks. Kool-Aid leaders, however, have steadfastly refused to do so, threatening to summon their dreaded anthropomorphic pitcher if pressure does not relent.

Manufactured in 48-ounce cans, the bomb is also expected to be produced in a handy eight-ounce lunch-box size for use in precision refreshing of smaller areas.

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