Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Hawaiian Punch Physicists Unveil New 500-Megaton Very-Berry Bomb

OAHU, HI—Sources deep within Hawaiian Punch's secret military compound near Oahu revealed Monday that the fruit juice superpower has developed a devastating new weapon in the fight against thirst: the Very Berry Bomb, a 500-megaton, Fruitonium-powered device capable of refreshing a city the size of Houston.

The Berry Bomb, a Fruitonium-powered device capable of refreshing a city the size of Houston, is expected to shift the Thirst War balance of power toward the Hawaiians.

"If the device actually works," said Frederick Buttle, Harvard University professor of political science, "it could decisively shift the Thirst War balance of power in favor of the Hawaiians."

Test detonations in the Nevada desert have demonstrated the bomb's awesome power. Bright red mushroom clouds reaching heights of up to 1,500 feet have erupted on military testing grounds throughout the state, showering tropical berry excitement throughout the hot, arid region.

Troops exposed to the bomb's fallout reportedly emerged from clouds of dust in a festive mood, wearing flowered shirts and leis, and in some cases having formed conga lines.

"Clearly, any area struck by this bomb would not return to normal for decades," Buttle said. "We are likely talking about a non-stop luau, day and night, for generations to come."

Added Buttle: "To be shielded from the super-fruity effects of the bomb, you would need a shelter with five-foot-thick, steel walls, ideally buried some 20 feet underground, and even then residual tropicality would seep into the surrounding soil and contaminate you upon exiting."

"The secret to the bomb's intense fruity taste is the countless varieties of berries used," explained Heinrich Wolfe, a well-known expert on fruit-flavored beverages. "Strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries. Boysenberries, loganberries, blackberries and even huckleberries."

In addition to the awesomely fruit-a-rooty taste concentrated into each bomb, the use of 10 percent fruit juice guarantees an overwhelming taste sensation for the population upon which the bomb is dropped.

"Kool-Aid, with its zero percent real fruit juice, can not even dream of competing with Hawaiian Punch now," Wolfe said. "Hawaiian Punch's enemies must kneel before Punchy or be quenched with one mighty blow. 'Come on and go Hawaiian' is no longer a mere suggestion—it is a genuine threat."

The announcement of the new Hawaiian Punch bomb has sent Kool-Aid military leaders, with their badly outdated arsenal of Rock-a-dile Red Missiles, scrambling to develop new weapons technologies. Among the plans for the once-dominant beverage power: a $100 million Tropical Tango Missile, described by one top Pentagon official as "MX Mango-riffic."

Despite its awesome power, one technical disadvantage to the bomb revolves around the difficulty in getting a hostile nation to say it would like a nice Hawaiian Punch, a necessity before the bomb can be dropped.

"Punchy," Hawaiian Punch's Thirst-Quencher in Chief, has reportedly been trying to get Kool-Aid leaders to say it for weeks. Kool-Aid leaders, however, have steadfastly refused to do so, threatening to summon their dreaded anthropomorphic pitcher if pressure does not relent.

Manufactured in 48-ounce cans, the bomb is also expected to be produced in a handy eight-ounce lunch-box size for use in precision refreshing of smaller areas.


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