adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

Hawaiian Punch Physicists Unveil New 500-Megaton Very-Berry Bomb

OAHU, HI—Sources deep within Hawaiian Punch's secret military compound near Oahu revealed Monday that the fruit juice superpower has developed a devastating new weapon in the fight against thirst: the Very Berry Bomb, a 500-megaton, Fruitonium-powered device capable of refreshing a city the size of Houston.

The Berry Bomb, a Fruitonium-powered device capable of refreshing a city the size of Houston, is expected to shift the Thirst War balance of power toward the Hawaiians.

"If the device actually works," said Frederick Buttle, Harvard University professor of political science, "it could decisively shift the Thirst War balance of power in favor of the Hawaiians."

Test detonations in the Nevada desert have demonstrated the bomb's awesome power. Bright red mushroom clouds reaching heights of up to 1,500 feet have erupted on military testing grounds throughout the state, showering tropical berry excitement throughout the hot, arid region.

Troops exposed to the bomb's fallout reportedly emerged from clouds of dust in a festive mood, wearing flowered shirts and leis, and in some cases having formed conga lines.

"Clearly, any area struck by this bomb would not return to normal for decades," Buttle said. "We are likely talking about a non-stop luau, day and night, for generations to come."

Added Buttle: "To be shielded from the super-fruity effects of the bomb, you would need a shelter with five-foot-thick, steel walls, ideally buried some 20 feet underground, and even then residual tropicality would seep into the surrounding soil and contaminate you upon exiting."

"The secret to the bomb's intense fruity taste is the countless varieties of berries used," explained Heinrich Wolfe, a well-known expert on fruit-flavored beverages. "Strawberries, raspberries, and blueberries. Boysenberries, loganberries, blackberries and even huckleberries."

In addition to the awesomely fruit-a-rooty taste concentrated into each bomb, the use of 10 percent fruit juice guarantees an overwhelming taste sensation for the population upon which the bomb is dropped.

"Kool-Aid, with its zero percent real fruit juice, can not even dream of competing with Hawaiian Punch now," Wolfe said. "Hawaiian Punch's enemies must kneel before Punchy or be quenched with one mighty blow. 'Come on and go Hawaiian' is no longer a mere suggestion—it is a genuine threat."

The announcement of the new Hawaiian Punch bomb has sent Kool-Aid military leaders, with their badly outdated arsenal of Rock-a-dile Red Missiles, scrambling to develop new weapons technologies. Among the plans for the once-dominant beverage power: a $100 million Tropical Tango Missile, described by one top Pentagon official as "MX Mango-riffic."

Despite its awesome power, one technical disadvantage to the bomb revolves around the difficulty in getting a hostile nation to say it would like a nice Hawaiian Punch, a necessity before the bomb can be dropped.

"Punchy," Hawaiian Punch's Thirst-Quencher in Chief, has reportedly been trying to get Kool-Aid leaders to say it for weeks. Kool-Aid leaders, however, have steadfastly refused to do so, threatening to summon their dreaded anthropomorphic pitcher if pressure does not relent.

Manufactured in 48-ounce cans, the bomb is also expected to be produced in a handy eight-ounce lunch-box size for use in precision refreshing of smaller areas.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close