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Hazing Incident Ends In Tragic Joining Of Fraternity

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CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Hazing Incident Ends In Tragic Joining Of Fraternity

ASHLAND, OH—A night of forced binge drinking and other dangerous initiation rituals ended in horrible tragedy Tuesday when pledge member Steven Paulson, 18, was accepted into Ashland University's Delta Tau Theta fraternity. "I don't understand how something like this could have happened," said an inconsolable Vanessa Paulson, mother of the young college freshman who was found naked, severely hung over, and a member of Delta Tau Theta early Tuesday morning. "Steven had such a bright future ahead of him. He didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves this." While 12 freshman suffered the same unspeakable fate, some, like Brian Hinkle, who drowned to death during the late-night hazing, managed to escape with their dignity intact.

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