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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Hazing Incident Ends In Tragic Joining Of Fraternity

ASHLAND, OH—A night of forced binge drinking and other dangerous initiation rituals ended in horrible tragedy Tuesday when pledge member Steven Paulson, 18, was accepted into Ashland University's Delta Tau Theta fraternity. "I don't understand how something like this could have happened," said an inconsolable Vanessa Paulson, mother of the young college freshman who was found naked, severely hung over, and a member of Delta Tau Theta early Tuesday morning. "Steven had such a bright future ahead of him. He didn't deserve this. Nobody deserves this." While 12 freshman suffered the same unspeakable fate, some, like Brian Hinkle, who drowned to death during the late-night hazing, managed to escape with their dignity intact.

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