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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns. “I’m sure anyone who looks at the 100 million folders spread all over my office wouldn’t be able to make heads or tails of my method, but trust me, I know exactly where everything is,” said the IRS chief, smoothing a yellow sticky note bearing the words “Alternative Minimum” onto a thick sheaf of documents before stowing it away in one of his 750,000 accordion folders. “All the files piled on my couch are 1040s, but the red folders are for ‘married and filing jointly’ and the blue ones are for ‘single with at least three dependents.’ I know it sounds confusing, but it makes sense to me. Please just don’t touch anything; I had to start all over last week when someone from maintenance came through and moved some 1099s around.” At press time, Koskinen went to retrieve a box of 122 million W2 forms from the back room to double-check a figure from last year.

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