adBlockCheck

Head Lice Going Around Senate

Top Headlines

Politics

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Head Lice Going Around Senate

The Senate nurse sends Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) home for the day.
The Senate nurse sends Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) home for the day.

WASHINGTON—Eighteen senators were sent home from Congress Tuesday after a routine screening found an infestation of nits, larvae, and adult parasites living on the scalps of high-ranking Washington lawmakers.

The outbreak of head lice, which many are calling the worst in U.S. Senate history, has brought the Capitol to a standstill, with presiding officer Vice President Joe Biden suspending all daily sessions until further notice.

"I regret to inform the American people that the Senate chamber has been struck by a devastating case of lice," majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said. "Although we've already dismissed a number of afflicted senators, and thrown out most of their personal belongings, it is imperative that this issue be resolved as quickly as possible."

Pediculus humanus capitis.

"This outbreak needs to be addressed," continued Reid, speaking from behind a podium wrapped in airtight plastic sheets. "We can't risk having lice spread to the House."

According to sources on Capitol Hill, signs of a potential infestation first surfaced early Monday morning when Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS) witnessed Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) excessively scratching at the back of his head. Cochran, who sits directly behind Rockefeller, said that the five-term senator's aggressive attempts to relieve an itch dislodged several tiny, writhing bugs, which fell onto a binder containing bill S. 2294.

"It was so disgusting," said Cochran, adding that he thought Sen. Rockefeller only had dandruff. "I'll never cosponsor a bill with him again. I bet he doesn't even shower."

While Senate leaders would not release the name of the blood-feeding parasite's original host, many legislators speculated Tuesday that the epidemic started with that one gross Arkansas representative who always wears sweatpants.

Using a tongue depressor and a flashlight, Senate nurse Debra Barger personally examined each of the elected officials' scalps, and issued a stern warning to all present to avoid sharing hairbrushes, hats, and towels with other members of the governing body.

"I told the senators that they didn't need to feel humiliated," said Barger, who made Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) wear mittens to thwart his attempts to scratch his scalp. "And contrary to what Sen. Specter says, lice are not the most deadly form of cooties."

But despite Barger's best efforts to reassure the afflicted senators, many still felt stigmatized.

"Everyone is going to make fun of me now," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), who attempted to get rid of the lice by shaving her head. "This is so much worse than the time I puked on the Capitol steps."

Despite several days of lengthy debates, the remaining senators were not able to agree on a measure to remove the louse colonies. While one faction argued that the application of petroleum jelly or mayonnaise would suffocate the lice, Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY) made a privileged motion that all affected heads be immediately soaked in kerosene.

By late Tuesday afternoon, a majority of senators had been sent back to their home states along with letters urging that family members and constituents have their hair checked for lice. With the legislative chamber nearly deserted, officials from the Department of Health and Human Services arrived on Wednesday to vacuum the Senate floor, spray down chairs and desks, and machine-wash all flags in hot water.

Since news of the infestation first broke, Congress has been inundated with angry calls from Senate parents, many of whom are blaming party leaders for the outbreak.

"We paid a lot of good money to get our children into the Senate," said Roberta McCain, 96. "Unless things change, I'll be transferring John to a better branch of government next year."

According to Beltway insiders, this is the worst contagion to hit the federal government since 2004, when a single infected gavel gave the entire Supreme Court crabs.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close